I remember everything
by BrokenSparrow
Summary: First story posted anywhere. Please be nice...: Maureen's POV, the events starting post RENT, and then flashback to PreRENT...I upped the rating, because Maureen's got a mouth
1. Chapter 1

I never meant to fall in love with Joanne. I never meant to break Mark's heart, either. Shit happens, though. And it's not as though Mark never hurt me.

I get sick of hearing about how many different ways I hurt Mark and about how much of a drama queen I am. I'm really the only one who knows what happened back then.

April and Roger were always to busy getting high and having sex.

Mark was always filming. He couldn't stand being in the loft with me, I guess.

Benny was out fucking as many girls as he could, back before he met Allyson.

Collins was working on his theory of Actual Reality, all of his time being spent in either the NYU library or in some bar having a good time.

We weren't a family then. That was back before Mimi danced her way into our lives to the beat of Angel's drumming.

Nobody likes to talk about what happened before Mimi and Angel.

Nobody reminds Roger that he used to be a drug addict, always living for the next high and the next good fuck.

Nobody reminds Collins that he never finished his theory of Actual Reality.

Nobody reminds Mark that he wasted most of his life filming absolutely nothing in an attempt to be recognized.

Nobody asks Mimi how she got AIDS.

Nobody asks Joanne why she's a lawyer when she obviously hates it.

And nobody reminds Benny that his beloved Muffy was originally a one night stand.

But everyone mentions that I cheated on Mark. Everyone has to bring up the fact that I 'slept around'. Every time we all get together, without fail, somebody mentions that I cheated on Mark.

Even Joanne has made a few comments about it. She's always worried that I'm going to cheat on her.

I don't exactly blame her. I just wish she would trust me.

I hate being in the apartment alone. There's nothing to occupy my mind and I end up thinking about everything that's happened over the past few years. And then I end up getting upset.

And Maureen Johnson does not get upset. She gets angry, incredibly sad to the point of hysterical sobs, or indifferent. But never simply upset.

So instead of letting everyone think that something is wrong and then have them jump to their own conclusions, I fake a smile, flirt shamelessly, and bitch about things that I don't give a damn about.

Afer all, I am an actress.

Everybody thinks that I'm oblivious to the rest of the world, that I have no idea what's going on around me. But I see everything. I remember everything.

I just wish everybody else could remember _everything_ and not just what makes them feel better about themselves.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Forgot to do this last time. Hope the fanfic gods don't kill me.

Disclaimer: I don't own RENT or any of the beautiful characters from RENT. They belong to the genius Jonathan Larson. Who is amazing. And now...Chapter 2.

Cold. That was the only thing that my brain could register so early in the morning. I reached across the bed in an attempt to grab Mark and cuddle. He was always warm, no matter how cold it got in the loft.

I groaned when I realized that Mark wasn't in bed with me. I hate waking up in bed alone. It makes me feel so empty.

Throwing back the covers I slid out of bed and pulled on one of Mark's t-shirts. I made my way out into the loft slowly, running my fingers through my hair.

April was sitting on one of the mix-matched chairs at the table in the 'kitchen'. She looked like hell.

"Late night?" I asked as I sat next to her. She grunted. I hated when April was coming down off of a high. She was so lifeless, so blank.

"You should stop shooting up." I said it as though it was that simple. Just...stop. I knew it wasn't.

April leaned down and put her forehead on the metal table.

"I can't. I want to. But I can't." Her voice was so small.

"I know, babes. I know. You should get some sleep." I reached out and brushed her hair back out of her face.

"I'm not tired. I'm...down. I'll be fine. I gotta go find Roger, though. He's still out with the band." We both knew that wasn't true. Roger was probably in some other woman's bed and April was most likely going out to get more drugs.

"If you see Mark, would you remind him that I have an audition today around four? He left before I got up." I was at the sink now, getting some water for both of us.

This was our normal Saturday morning routine. Friday night Roger's band would have a gig, April would go with them, they would get high after the show, Roger would take off with some girl while April was shooting up for the second or third time, and then April would come home, alone, at four in the morning. When I would wake up I would always find her at the table and I would always try to talk her into quitting. Then she would go out and buy more drugs, letting the cycle start all over again.

April was _my_ protector. I always thought she could take care of herself.

"I completely forgot about your audition. What kind of a sister am I, huh?" Sister. We may as well have been blood. She was sitting up now, trying to act like she was fine.

"How is it that you and me are practically sisters, but your idiot boyfriend can't stand me?" I asked with a laugh, handing April a glass and sitting back down.

"Reena, tell me about your audition?" She seemed desperate to change the subject. We talked for another twenty minutes before she left and I took a shower. When I got out, Mark was home.

"Hey baby." I said as I flounced over to him. He was on the run down old couch with his camera that he was to busy with to pay attention to me.

"You were gone when I got up this morning." I pouted, knowing he wouldn't be able to resist me. And I was right. He pulled me into his lap and kissed me. Oh how I loved that boy.

"I know. I had to go out filming." He said, running his fingers through my damp hair.

I hated that damn camera. For being this great camera man, film maker, distant observer, he sure as hell was oblivious to the world around him. He had no idea that Roger and April were on drugs. And he had no idea, at least not then, that I was cheating on him. I wouldn't do it every night, and it was rarely ever sex. I think I only slept with another guy once. But that was bad enough.

"I have an audition soon." I didn't want to leave.

"Good, because I only came home long enough to get more film. I'm getting amazing footage." Mark seemed really happy when he was filming. I wish I could have made him that happy.

"Okay. I'll let you get back to filming again. I still have to get my outfit together. I'll see you when you get home?" I missed him. I missed him more than I would ever tell him. He just nodded.

I gave him a quick kiss and then ran off to our bedroom. I pulled on a pair of tight, dark blue jeans and a white tank top, deciding to leave my hair down.

The audition was at this off Broadway theater for this show about a woman in love with a man who's in love with another man who's in love with the woman. It was a big, twisted, conveluted story line that I can't really explain, but I wanted the lead. We needed the money. Collins was making good money tutoring, but that wasn't enough. And Roger was spending all of his money on drugs.

When I got to the theater I was the last to audition. Most of the other girls were good, but I knew I was better. I wasn't being conceited, I just knew I was better. I sang some random song in some strange key to impress the director. It didn't work. When I got back to the loft, it was empty. There was a note on the table from Collins.

'_April and Roger are out doing whatever the hell it is that they do. I'm heading out to a new bar. You should join me if you get the chance. We haven't hung out in a while with me working and you singing. Mark's out filming. He said he wouldn't be late, but you know how he gets when he's out with his camera. _

_Love Ya Mo, _

_Collins'_

Great. Another night home alone. I had nothing to do now, nobody to amuse me.

Pacing the urge to go out to the bar and find some random guy to pay attention to me. That was all I really wanted. The attention.

Twenty minutes later some random woman walked out of Benny's bedroom fixing her make-up. She looked me up and down and then walked out as though she owned the place. Benny left his room about ten minutes later.

"Another night, another girl." I said as Benny walked to the sink.

"She was great. Her name's Allyson. She's definately going in the book." Benny said with a satisfied grin. "You're a pig, Benny." I mumbled as I walked off to my bedroom.

"Yeah, but you love me." Benny said with a laugh.

I just rolled my eyes before changing into one of Marks shirts and climbing into bed. Maybe when I woke up the next morning Mark would be there.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I'm not so sure about how well this chapter fits in. Let me know.

I didn't get cast in the show. The director said that I was 'to open for the role'. I think he was calling me a slut, but I didn't want to cause a scent in the theater, so I just walked away, tossing my hair and swaying my hips.

Collins was leaving for MIT soon. The man's a genius, really. I could never understand it.

A week after my audition I was working at this coffee shop, diner called "The Bean", in the village.

Mark and I were seeing even less of each other, so whenever I got the chance to see him, I was all over him.

He didn't seem to mind that the only time we saw each other was to have sex, and hell, I was getting the attention that I wanted.

And April was trying to quit.

Everything seemed to be going great. Man, life likes to fuck you over just when you get comfortable.

One day at work, around noon, I accidentally dumped a cup of coffee on one of the customers.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry. I'm such a friggin' spaz." I apologized, handing her a stack of napkins.

"Don't worry about it, really. If you hadn't spilled it on me, I probably would have spilled it on myself. Inside this calm, well put together lawyer is an accident waiting to happen."

She picked up her briefcase and walked off to the bathroom in the back. I couldn't help but watch her. She was gorgeous. Deep, milk chocolate skin, big, soulful eyes.

I love eyes. I think I feel for Mark when I first looked into his perfect blue eyes.

When she returned to her table she was wearing a clean shirt and a fresh cup of coffee was waiting for her.

I didn't know why, but I liked her. But, I had Mark.

When I brought her the check, I apologized once again.

"I really am sorry about the coffee." I said with a small smile. She made me nervous. I didn't like it.

"Don't worry about it, really. Like I said, I do it all the time. Why else would I carry a clean shirt with me in my briefcase?"

She smiled up at me, that adorable smile that I would one day do anything to see, and I ran a hand over my ponytail. I had to keep my hair back out of my face for work.

"Still, I've been working here for like...a week, and that was the first time I dropped anything."

I knew I shouldn't have been striking up a conversation with her. The manager hated it when we would "waste time" talking to customers.

But I didn't want her to leave. I liked just talking to her. It was strange, really. I felt like I could tell this woman, who's name I didn't even know yet, but I couldn't tell my boyfriend that I missed him. God, I am so messed up.

I had the weirdest feeling that she and I were going to be good friends.

"Lucky me, I guess." She said with a laugh.

"I'm Maureen." I sounded like an idiot. She just laughed again.

"Joanne Jefferson."

She intrigued me.

I had never been interested in women. Ever. I know Mark likes to think that I was bisexual, that I had always been bisexual, but I wasn't.

I grew up liking boys. The thought of being with a woman never crossed my mind.

But there was something about Joanne. Something in her laugh, the way she bit her lower lip while she was working on a case in the coffee shop that made me want to know her. I couldn't help but want to be her friend.

A month never seemed to pass as quickly as the next month did.

Working every day made life so dull, so mundane. I always thought that I was better than the mundane, that I would be something more. I hate when I'm wrong.

Joanne came to the coffee shop for lunch every chance she got. We became good friends, always talking and laughing together.

She seemed to be the only good thing in my life at the time.

Collins had gone to MIT, being all smart.

Mark seemed to be out filming more than ever. I was asleep before he would come home, and he would be gone before I got up.

I was getting desperate. I _needed_ him to pay attention to me, damn it. I just wanted him to look at me and realize that I needed him.

April and Roger were getting worse. She tried to quit, really tried hard, but Roger kept pulling her back into the drugs. They were always either to high to move, or screaming at each other.

And Benny. Benny was engaged. To Allyson. That slut that he had the one night stand with a month ago.

It turns out, her father owns the building that we're living in. I guess she really did own the place. Stupid bastard sold out.

I was working almost 12 hour days in an attempt to keep paying the rent. Now I understood the pressure that Collins had to deal with before he went to MIT. He kept sending money in hopes to help. I didn't like taking hand outs.

I was determined that we would make it. Looking back, I can't believe how naive I was.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my crazy Economics teacher. If he wasn't so crazy and old and boring, I never would have had the time to write this chapter.

I came home from work late one night to an empty loft. "As always." I mumbled, walking into the kitchen.

After grabbing a small bite to eat, small because we had almost nothing in the loft, I decided to pace around until someone came home to amuse me.

Twenty minutes later April charged into the loft, pissed as hell, and went directly to the bathroom.

"April," I said softly, knocking on the bathroom door.

"I don't wanna talk right now, Reena. Roger and I got into a fight. I'm fine. I'm gonna take a bath. I promise, I'm ok." I knew she wasn't fine.

I _should_ have asked her to open the door.

I_ should_ have asked her to come out and talk to me.

Instead I agreed to leave her alone for the time being and I walked off to my bedroom to find something to occupy my mind. I found an old magazine and started flipping through it.

An hour passed before I realized it and I jumped when Mark walked into our room with his camera.

"Hey Pookie!" I said happily, jumping off the bed and practically pouncing on him.

"Careful, Maureen. I don't want to drop my camera." He said after kissing me.

Damn camera.

"How's April doing?" I asked, dropping back down on the bed. Mark moved around the bedroom, taking better care of his film than he took care of himself.

" I haven't seen her. Is she even home?" Mark asked, taking his scarf off.

"She was in the bathroom earlier. She and Roger had another fight. She must still be in the tub." He was sitting next to me now and I was curled up against him.

"Should we check on her?" He asked, looking down at me.

I just kissed him.

I hadn't been with Mark in probably two weeks and I reveled in all the attention he was giving me now. I needed Mark and it scared me. I've never needed anyone, not like I needed Mark.

It was killing me that he wanted to spend more time with his camera than with the woman he said he loved.

My body was buzzing with all the attention Mark was giving me.

I'm not used to needing people. Even when I was a kid, I didn't need anybody. I took care of myself. And now here I was, practically begging for Mark to touch me.

I wanted to cry.

As we cuddled afterwards, he kissed my temple and pulled me closer. I couldn't help but sigh.

I wanted to hate him.

I wanted to never want him again.

"You know I love you, right?" He was looking down at me with those big blue eyes and all of my anger melted away.

Instead of telling him what was on my mind I replied in typical Maureen fashion.

"Of course, Pookie. I'm Maureen Johnson. How could you not love me?" I giggled and started playing with my hair.

"I have to go through my film." He kissed me again and then climbed out of bed, pulling on a pair of old jeans and settling his glasses on his nose.

I fell back against the pillows.

Damn him.

Damn him for not paying attention to me.

Damn him for loving that stupid fucking camera more than he loved me.

Damn him for not understanding.

And damn me, for letting him get to me.

I shouldn't want Mark like this. Not if he doesn't want me. I couldn't take it.

"I need a shower." I said, pulling on a pair of pajama pants and the first t-shirt I could find on the floor. It was Mark's.

I made my way across the loft to the bathroom, holding back my tears. I only cried in the shower.

My tears would mix with the water from the shower and even I wouldn't be able to recognize my tears.

The door was locked.

"April, come on. I need a shower." I yelled, knocking on the door.

No answer.

"Damn it, April. This isn't funny." I was getting annoyed. She thought things like this were funny.

"April, did you fall or something?" I called through the door. If she thought she was being cute or dramatic or anything but annoying, she wasn't.

I dropped all of my stuff on the floor and went back to the bedroom to get the screwdriver.

"What's going on?" Mark asked as he loaded more film into the camera.

"April locked herself in the bathroom again because YOUR jackass of a best friend sleeps with any whore that'll spread her legs for him." I said angrily, looking through the bottom dresser drawer, bypassing the condoms we forgot to use twenty minutes ago and grabbing the screwdriver.

"It's not my fault." Mark said, turning on his camera.

"You are NOT taping this! She probably fell and hurt herself and you taping her naked is only going to piss her off."

I was storming back to the bathroom, pissed as hell. I began taking the screws out of the door hinges.

"Maureen..."

"Fuck you, Mark."

I didn't care. My stomach was knotting up with worry. Even April couldn't keep up a joke this long. Something was definitely wrong.

I finally got the door off the hinges. Mark was pacing around the loft, filming. I took a deep breath and waked into the bathroom, preparing myself for what I thought I might find.

I didn't know I was screaming.

Mark came running into the bathroom, that fucking camera in his hands.

Maybe he thought it could save him.

It sure as hell couldn't save April.

The tub was overflowing with water mixed with April's blood.

I almost puked right then and there.

Lifeless emerald eyes stared blankly at the ceiling. The razor, covered in her blood, was on the floor next to the tub where she must have dropped it when she was to weak from the blood loss.

So much blood. I wondered in the back of my mind how so much blood cold fit into someone as small as April.

Especially with all of the drugs in her system.

On the grimy old mirror that we could never seem to clean properly, written in bright red lipstick were the words...

'_We've got AIDS. I'm sorry. I love you.'_

To much red.

"Go call an ambulance."

Mark just stared blankly at me.

"You and that useless fucking camera!" I screamed at him, running to the phone across the loft.

The call was desperate and it wasn't until the paramedics showed up that I realized I was crying.

When I got back to the bathroom Mark was still standing where I had left him, filming and in shock.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't know what to do. So I did the only thing I knew how to do when life hurt to much. I shut down.

"If you're going to stand there like that, you could at least stop filming. Let April go with some dignity." My voice was cold and distant, my eyes on April.

I knelt down next to the tub, not caring that my pants were now soaked in her blood. I heard the camera finally stop.

Reaching out, I closed her eyes before brushing her hair back out of her face.

The paramedics arrived only minutes later, pronouncing her dead on the spot.

Of course she's dead, I wanted to scream at them. She bled all over the bathroom. But I held my tongue.

While all of these strange people were walking around the loft, Mark went to put his camera away and I sat on the couch, curled up in a ball.

I couldn't feel.

I couldn't breath.

I couldn't even see.

I was surrounded in red.

"I've got to go find Roger."

Mark was standing in front of me. I just grunted. My only thoughts were on what happened when April came home earlier that night.

This was my fault.

If I hadn't been such a desperate attention whore, begging Mark to need me like I needed him, I would have made April talk to me.

I was questioned by one of the paramedics. Things like "How did you know the deceased?", and "Did she ever show signs of depression before this?"

I didn't want to be there.

"Are we done here?" I must have sounded like a heartless bitch. I _know_ I sounded like a heartless bitch.

I don't deal with death at all. When I was seven, my cat was hit by a car. I never shed a tear. I wouldn't let myself. My mother thought I was crazy. My father thought I was fine. I didn't think about it at all.

"You're free to go."

I didn't bother looking at him. I didn't care. April was gone. That was all my mind could comprehend. April was gone.

I ripped the dirty sheets off of the bed and left them on the floor. I didn't bother getting another set of sheets for the bed, just curled up into a ball, wrapping my body around my pillow.

I cried.

I sobbed.

I didn't hear the paramedics leave with April, but I knew I had been in there for so long, they had to be gone.

I did, however, hear Mark and Roger come home.

Roger was drunk and high. I couldn't understand what he was saying, even though the walls in the loft were paper thin and he was yelling.

I did the best I could to control my sobs, listening to the two of them.

"April's gone, Roger." Mark's voice was soft.

"What do you mean, April's gone?" Roger was louder now, almost yelling.

"She's dead man. She..slit her wrists." My stomach turned.

I heard Roger run to the bathroom and then a gut wrenching sob and then, a crash. I could only imagine he shattered the mirror.

I waited for Mark to calm Roger down and then come get in bed with me.

I knew even he wouldn't be so oblivious to leave me alone.

He never did make it to bed that night.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: This one's for Gala, who went over the moon last night and got a cafeteria full of people who have never seen RENT to moo back. Oh, and I tried using more paragraphs. Lemme know if the format's better.

Roger hadn't left his room since April died. Mark and I were doing everything we could to keep Roger away from drugs.

Mark had bruises all over his body from Roger beating the hell out of him in an attempt to get to his beloved drugs. He never left Roger's side for more than five minutes. His camera lay abandoned on our bedroom floor for a new obsession.

Getting Roger clean.

It rained on the day of April's funeral. I skipped out on paying the rent so that we could give April a decent funeral.

Collins sent some money in an attempt to make up for not being able to leave MIT.

April didn't have any family. She had run away when she was sixteen and hadn't seen her parents since.

Only three people went to the funeral. I was there, Benny was there, to make sure we were going to pay the rent as soon as possible, and Joanne was there.

She really was a great friend. I could tell her anything. And I did. We would spend every Wednesday night together. Sometimes we would go out to a club and get drunk, other times we would walk around Central Park, just talking and laughing about everything.

But my favorite thing to do with Joanne was curl up on her couch together and watch a movie.

It was never anything sexual. I just like hanging out with her. It wasn't until two months after April was gone that I realized that I felt something more.

I had a crush on her. I had a crush on Joanne Jefferson. Me, Maureen Johnson, who had never thought about being with a woman, had a crush on the beautiful Joanne Jefferson.

We were sitting on her couch one Wednesday night, watching a movie curled up under a blanket. I wasn't really paying attention to the movie. I was watching Joanne.

I couldn't believe how close we had gotten over the past few months. I knew that I could always trust her.

Something funny must have happened on the television, because Joanne started laughing and I couldn't help but laugh with her. I loved her laugh. She was beautiful. I started to wonder what it would be like to snuggle with her, hold her hand, wake up in her arms, kiss her...

When I left her apartment that night I went directly to a bar, got completely trashed, and went home with the first guy that hit on me. I didn't get back to the loft until around four that morning. Mark was pacing across the livingroom, his hands on his hips.

"Where the hell have you been?" I was shocked.

I had barely seen Mark since April died. He was always with Roger. I understood that Roger needed Mark and I was trying hard not to be jealous. But I was.

Mark was supposed to love me. I needed him too. I wish he would have talked to me. I knew that wasn't going to happen, Mark didn't talk, he taped. But I still loved him. He was my Marky.

"I was out with Jo. We went to a jazz club. The music was horrible, but the booze, excellent." I walked to him and threw my arms around his neck.

"It's four in the morning." His hands were on my hips now.

I cringed inwardly. I couldn't believe what I had just done. What I was about to do.

"How's Roger doing?" I pushed Mark back to the couch and straddled him.

"He's finally asleep. This is the first he's really slept since April died." Hi slid his hands up the back of my shirt.

I hesitated for a moment. I hated talking about April. Instead of breaking down like I wanted to, I smiled flirtatiously and leaned down close to his ear.

"I miss you." That much was true. I did miss him. I felt his breath quicken. It made me feel in complete control and sick at the same time.

We had sex on the couch. It was rough and hurried and hushed and nothing like what I remembered it to be.

"I'm gonna go check on Roger." Mark pulled his pants on and walked off to Roger's bedroom.

I watched him walk away and I could feel the bile rising in my throat. I barely made it to the bathroom before I got sick. After brushing my teeth I went to my room and changed for bed.

The next two months passed the same way, with me falling more in love with Joanne each day and growing to hate Roger and Mark. I was cheating on Mark at least once a week, finding a new man each week to help me forget Joanne. When that didn't work I would run to her, sobbing drunk and let her hold me like I would never let Mark.

And then I would feel guilty about being in love with another woman and the cycle would start all over again.

Roger was getting better. He was on AZT and seemed to be taking it regularly. He would even venture out of his room now. He would sit by the window with his guitar playing "Musetta's Waltz" over and over and over.

Mark was never without his camera. Roger never left the loft. I can only imagine Mark felt that he had to film the world for Roger.

I woke up one morning and Mark was standing over me, filming me in my sleep.

"What the fuck, Mark! That's really creepy." I complained sleepily, pulling the covers over my head. He walked out, mumbling something about his drama queen girlfriend.

I wasn't sure what Mark was to me anymore. We never broke up, just stopped sleeping together. I was confused. Everything was a mess. I felt trapped in the loft. I was never home anymore, always either working, out sleeping around, or with Joanne.

She made me feel safe. I could be vulnerable around Joanne and it was okay.

I hated that I couldn't leave Mark. Mark was familiar. Running around behind his back was easier than leaving.

I was being selfish, I know I was. But Mark never asked questions and I never felt like I had to explain myself. When I would come home in the early hours of the morning Mark would always be going through his film, so I could shower and slip into bed unnoticed by him.

But Roger noticed that I would come home later and later and sometimes not at all. He would never ask questions either, just glare at me from the window seat or the couch, playing his guitar.

I knew he was telling Mark what was going on. Maybe I thought one day Mark would get sick of me and kick my ass out. I hoped that he would catch me cheating and that he would tell me to just get the fuck out of the loft. I knew he wouldn't.

The only good thing that happened in those months was Benny. He wasn't the jackass everyone thought he was. Since he married Allyson, he was running our building now. He gave us a break, promising a year free of rent. It really helped.

I couldn't keep living my life the way I was. Something had to break. I was about ready to explode every second I was in the loft. I thought I was losing my mind.

It wasn't long before everything really went to hell.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: This is for the religious people reading this. I take God's name in vain a few times. It just kinda happens, and without it, the chapter isn't the same. I tried to change it. Sorry. If it offends anyone, you have been warned.

I didn't even reach the floor of our loft before I heard Roger throwing a tantrum. I contemplated leaving and going to Joanne's early and wait for her to get home from work. She knew I was having a hard time staying at the loft, and so she gave me a key to her apartment. I felt strange when I was there alone, like I was invading her personal space. Joanne never seemed to mind, though.

I finally decided that I couldn't leave Mark in there alone with a drug craving Roger. It wasn't fair. I had known about Roger's addiction long before Mark found out. I owed it to Mark to help.

I pulled the door to the loft open and ducked as one of the three mis matched plates we had flew by my head and shattered somewhere behind me. Mark was following Roger around the loft tentatively, trying to calm him down.

"Roger..."

"No, I don't give a fuck what you have to say. This is my life." An argument I'd heard many times over.

I took a few steps into the loft slowly, trying to think of something to do. In the back of my mind I noticed that Mark's old projector was up.

"You do give a fuck, damn it!" Mark yelled back quickly.

"I'm gonna kill her. Just like she killed April." My heart sank into my shoes. They were fighting about me. I stopped breathing.

"Roger, you need to calm down. You're going to fucking break something else!" Mark screamed. He never said that April's death wasn't my fault. If he wasn't going to defend me, than I would do it myself.

"I didn't kill April." His eyes fell on me like a wild animal about to pounce on it's wounded prey.

"You stupid bitch, you did kill her!" He took a few steps closer to me. Mark took a few steps back.

"April slit her own wrists, Roger." My voice was soft and emotionless, my eyes never leaving his face. I could see the storm brewing in his eyes.

"It's you're fault!"

Roger never had the chance to really mourn April. He was going through with drawl. Hell, he was _still_ going through with drawl. I didn't want to push him over the edge. Who knows what he could do.

_April did,_ a small voice answered in the back of my mind.

"There was nothing any of us could do." I didn't want to yell at him. I didn't want to hate him. But I did.

"If you hadn't been so desperate to get off than you would have been paying attention to what was happening around you. You're just a stupid whore." My breath caught in my throat. I couldn't believe that he had just called me a whore.

Mark just stood looking at me. I started to wonder why I had stayed with Mark for so long when he obviously didn't love me like I thought he had. I decided it was easier to ignore Mark and focus on Roger.

"What the fuck would you know about what happened that night? You were out sleeping with other women every night. Mark had to drag you out of a bar and tell you that your girlfriend was dead, Roger..."

" You didn't even care! April was locked up in the bathroom and you were screwing Mark to take your mind off of y our own problems."

Roger was moving closer now, too close. I started to back away slowly, my hands behind me to make sure I didn't walk directly into the wall. The look in Roger's eye was scaring me. But I couldn't let him know that.

"You were high! How in the hell do you know what happened?" I held my head high, setting my jaw and holding his gaze. He glanced back at Mark.

Of course, that stupid damn camera. That was why he set the projector up. Mark showed Roger the footage he shot the night April died.

"How could you show him that, Mark? What the fuck were you thinking?" I was walking towards him now, forgetting about Roger for the moment.

Before Mark had the chance to answer me, Roger grabbed my by the arm and pulled me to him. "Don't you care that April's dead?" I ripped away from him and moved to the other side of the loft.

"Don't ever touch me again." My voice was low and full of venom.

"What, every other man in the city's had his hands on you. What makes me different?" He smirked at me.

I looked at Mark, expecting him to stand up for me. He looked away slowly. I started shaking. My entire body was cold in an instant. I was alone. I completely alone.

"You were out fucking around on April every god damn night! What makes you any better than me?" I wasn't going to deny cheating on Mark. There was no point.

"I was on drugs, Maureen! I didn't know what the fuck I was doing! That's what makes me better than you. Oh, and I cared about April!"

I laughed bitterly.

"Bull shit! Do you know why April was in the bathroom that night, Roger?" I was moving across the loft, moving towards Roger. My face was red. My eyes were wide. Finally Roger was quiet.

"She was in the bathroom because of you. Because you two had a fight. Because you would never listen to her. Because you were always out fucking any whore that would have you. Because, Roger, she had AIDS."

Nobody had mentioned the disease since the night April died, especially not in front of Roger. A line was crossed that night. Nothing was ever going to be the same.

"You are a self absorbed bitch. You don't care about anyone but yourself. All you're worried about is going out and getting laid. You don't have any real emotions. You can't feel. April's death is on you, Maureen."

I stopped breathing. I looked Roger in the eye and I snapped. Everything that I had been holding back since April died came pouring out of me at once.

"You think I don't care about April? She was my best friend, you self rituous bastard. I watched her waste away in this stuffy loft day after day, waiting for you to pull your head out of your ass. She tried to quit so many times, but you wouldn't have it!"

I was crying now, tears pouring down my face. My make up was everywhere. My arms were crossed tightly, trying to keep warm. I wasn't sure why it was so cold in the loft. Maybe it was the sun setting in the distance. Maybe it was the fact that summer was slowly fading away. Roger's cynical laughter pulled me out of my thoughts.

"That's right, Maureen, cry. You always did love the attention. Come on, you didn't cry when you came home at four in the morning after sleeping with some random guy you picked up at a bar." He was smiling at me.

Before I could stop myself I slapped him.

"Damn it, Maureen, what the fuck?"

Mark had me by the arms, dragging me away from Roger. I couldn't believe Mark was protecting Roger. I wrestled my way out of Mark's grip and stood there in the middle of the loft, struggling to breath. I must have looked like a wild woman, standing there, my hair a mess of crazy brown curls down around my face, my eyes blazing a trail from Mark to Roger and then back again. My jaw was clenched in anger. I could feel the muscles in my jaw twitching in rhythm with my hands that were clenching and unclenching at my sides.

The bright red hand print on Roger's face made me feel better some how. Like now he was covered in red. Like April.

"Go to hell." I didn't even realize I was the one that had said it. My voice sounded distant, faint, echoing off the walls of the open loft.

"I'll meet you there." Roger stalked off to his bedroom. My breathing began to slow and my eyes fell on Mark with a sigh.

"What the hell was that? Why did you hit him?" Mark asked, taking a step closer to me.

"Is that a real question, Mark? He called me a whore." I looked him in the eye. He turned and started packing up his projector.

"Mark?" I took a step closer to him, a look of confusion on my face.

"Well Jesus, Maureen, you've been out with a different guy every night for the past two months." My jaw hit the floor. I couldn't believe that he was agreeing with Roger.

"So you think I'm a whore too. Great." I walked off to my bedroom and grabbed a clean pair of pants, a bra, and my leather jacket.

"I don't think you're a whore, Mo. But you've been sleeping around for months now. What the hell am I supposed to do, huh?" He was pissed now.

I was done hiding what I felt. Fuck trying to be what everybody else expected.

"How about asking me what my problem was, Mark? Did it ever cross your mind that maybe I missed April too? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I might need you?"

I was crying again. I hated crying. I began to take deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves. It wasn't working.

"Right, everybody needs Mark. Good old reliable Mark. Well fuck, Maureen, I can't do everything. You've got to get by on your own sometimes." His blue eyes were burning into my green ones.

"I've been getting by on my own for months now. Of course, you wouldn't know that because you're always either with Roger our out filming the world for your damn movie. I give up, Mark. I can't keep doing this. I'm sorry."

I walked to Mark and kissed him on the cheek.

"Maureen?"

"I'll be back for the rest of my stuff soon. I don't know when, but I will get my stuff out of here." I was heading for the door.

"You aren't leaving. You can't leave. I won't let you." His arms were around my waste. He was crying.

"Mark, we can't keep hurting each other like this. It's not going to work." I turned in his arms slowly, brushing away his tears. I hated seeing him cry.

"Don't cry." My voice was soft. He closed his eyes and pressed his face into my hand.

"I love you." His eyes were boring into mine.

"Mark..."

"And you love me. I know you do." My heart broke. I don't know why, but part of me will always love Mark. No matter how many times we hurt each other, Mark and I will always be close.

I pressed a soft kiss to his lips and slid out of his arms.

"I'm sorry, Mark. I can't. I don't." He walked off to Roger's room, his head down, picking up his camera on the way. I left the loft for Joanne's apartment.

I fought back my tears as I walked to Joanne's apartment. Yes, I know I was the one to leave Mark. But it hurt. It hurt a lot. I didn't like not being in a relationship. If I wasn't in a relationship, if I wasn't someone's girlfriend, than what the hell was I? Maybe I _was_ just a stupid whore.

I didn't really care what Roger thought. Roger could kiss my ass, really. But maybe he was right. I was in love with a woman and sleeping with men that I barely knew. I hated that Roger had a point. I didn't realize that I had reached Joanne's apartment until I caught my reflection in the glass doors of her building. I looked like hell.

My eyes were puffy and red, mascara was all over my face, my hair was everywhere, and my nose was red.

I made my way into the building slowly, my arms crossed over my chest and my head down. I didn't want anybody to see me but Joanne. She was my safety. The ride in the elevator seemed to take hours. I couldn't wait to get out of the elevator and see Jo, but I wasn't looking forward to telling her what had happened.

When the elevator dinged I stepped out and took a deep breath, walking to her apartment. The door was unlocked. She was home.

I walked in without knocking, like I always did. She was sitting on the couch in a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. She smiled up at me and slid over on the couch, waiting for me to sit with her.

I stood before her in the living room, just looking at her. She was perfect. I could feel my chin begin to tremble. I was about to break.

I felt like, not only had I been cheating on Mark for months, but I had been cheating on Joanne. And that hurt more than anything.

A tear escaped my eye and rolled down my face. Joanne's expression instantly turned to one of concern.

"Maureen?" She sounded confused. Who wouldn't be? She'd never seen me like this.

I felt her arms slip around me, holding me up as best she could. I crumbled. I clung to Joanne and sank to the floor. She was my support.

As I lay there on the floor, sobbing in Joanne's arms, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about how Mark never made me feel safe like Joanne always did. And that made me cry harder.

I never imagined that she could love me the way I loved her. Hell, sometimes I still wonder why she loves me.


	7. Chapter 7

I don't know how long I stayed on the floor in Joanne's arms sobbing. I didn't care, either. I was safe with Joanne and that was all that mattered She was sitting on the floor with my head in her lap, brushing my hair out of my face with one hand and rubbing my back with the other. It felt so good to just be there with her. When I finally stopped sobbing I looked up at Joanne sheepishly, biting my bottom lip.

"I'm sorry. It's...it's been a long four months." I said with a sigh, looking away.

"Don't be. We're friends, right. And friends are there for each other." Her hands were warm on my face as she brushed away my tears. I leaned into her touch. Joanne smiled and kissed my forehead.

"Come on, let's get you on the couch. You're freezing. Did you walk here?" She stood and pulled me to my feet.

I nodded as she lead me to the couch. I took my jacket off and tossed it in the chair next to the couch. Joanne grabbed the blanket off the couch and wrapped it around her shoulders. She reached out to me.

"Come here, you're freezing. You should have called me. I would have come to get you." I snuggled up close to her, wrapping my arms around her waste and resting my head on her shoulder.

"I just needed to get out of the loft." I closed my eyes. Joanne was so soft. She pulled me closer and kissed my forehead again.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Her voice was gentle. I couldn't get close enough to her.

"Roger flipped shit. Started blaming me for April's death, calling me a whore, and then he grabbed me. Mark didn't even react until I slapped the bastard." I left it at that. I didn't want to think about leaving Mark.

"You are not a whore." Joanne tightened her grip around my waste. I sighed, biting my lip again.

"Maureen, look at me." Her voice was soft and demanding. I picked my head up off of her shoulder and looked into her big brown eyes. I was instantly lost.

"You are not a whore, you got it?" She sounded so sure of herself, so sure of me. I wanted to believe her.

"Joanne, I've been cheating on Mark for months with guys I don't even know. If I'm not a whore, what the hell am I?" I looked up at her, one eyebrow arched.

She thought about it for a second, tilting her head to one side.

"You're confused. Sometimes it happens. Whore's don't feel bad when they cheat."

She seemed satisfied with her answer and so was I. We sat like that for half an hour in silence, just holding each other. I could feel myself begin to fall asleep, my head snuggling closer to Joanne's chest. Her heartbeat was the most comforting sound in the world.

I don't think she'll ever know how safe I feel in her arms. Everything was perfect as long as I was snuggled up close to Joanne.

"Come on, hun. It's late. You need some sleep." She shifted slowly, pushing me off of her gently. I groaned, scrunching up my face and holding on to her tighter.

"Maureen, come on. There's no way we're both going to fit on this couch."

That woke me up. I jumped to my feet and yawned, stretching. She smirked at me and took my hand, leading me to her bedroom.

"Do you wanna change? That looks uncomfortable." She glanced at the tight pair of jeans and the t-shirt that I was wearing. I still smelled like work.

Her bedroom was small, with two dressers on opposite walls, a bed side table with a lamp and a digital clock, a desk with a laptop, and her bed. The room was dark, drapes pulled over the only window in the room, which was above her desk.

Joanne handed me a pair of baggy sweat pants and an oversized t-shirt with the word 'Harvard' across the chest. Instead of going to the bathroom to change, I changed in front of her. When I turned around Joanne was already in bed. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I feel like I'm in high school. Are we gonna play Truth or Dare, talk about boys and make prank phone calls?" I slid into bed, turning over on my side and looking her in the eye.

"I never really had sleep overs when I was in high school." She looked down and blushed slightly. I didn't believe it.

"Why not, I mean, I know your parents were strict, but come on. A girl's gotta have sleep overs with her friends." I was feeling a thousand times better. Being with Joanne made me forget about all of my problems.

"I didn't have many friends. I was to busy working towards Harvard." Her eyes fell on the word on my chest for a brief second. I shook my head and sprawled out on my back, turning my head to look at her. She did the same.

"Why was Harvard so important?" I was looking her in the eye. She looked sad. I hated seeing that defeated look in her eyes.

"It gave my parents something to be proud of." Joanne's eyes closed slowly and she bit her bottom lip.

I've never wanted to kiss anyone like I wanted to kiss her right then. But I couldn't.

So I put my head on her shoulder and wrapped my arms around her waste. Her entire body stiffened for a moment before she relaxed. She smelled like flowers. I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly.

"Why would your parents need a reason to be proud of you? You're awesome. The perfect daughter."

She laughed low in her chest, a genuine laugh that I knew I could get used to. My head bounced on her chest, which made me giggle a little.

"I am anything but the perfect daughter." I rolled my eyes before looking up at her.

"Oh, please. You're smart, you're funny, you're extremely polite, you're adorable and you went to Harvard Law School. What could your parents possibly find wrong with you?"

_Nothing, that's what's wrong with you. You're perfect,_ I thought with a sigh. I could feel her hands in my hair, slowly combing her fingers through the messy curls on top of my head.

I think it was calming for both of us. She needed someone to hold and I needed to be held.

"When you're fifteen and you realize you're gay and your entire high school finds out, life gets difficult. Especially when your parents are called out of a very important legal meeting about the possibility of a very important client to pick up their daughter from school because she just got into a fight in the locker room because somebody called her a dyke. Besides, I'm an only child. It just kills my mother that her baby girl isn't going to get married to the perfect man and have perfect kids."

She wasn't looking at me, I know she wasn't. My heart stopped. Joanne was a lesbian. That was the first I had heard of her sexuality. She never really talked about her past relationships. I always just assumed she was straight.

Then again, I always assumed that _I_ was straight. It's amazing what you learn when you meet new people.

I sat up and looked down at her. Her eyes were wide, almost fearful. Like she was afraid that I was going to run away. Her arms slid from my waste. I kept my hand on her stomach.

"You're gay?" My voice was shaking. She bit her lip again. It was going to be the death of me. I had never been attracted to anyone like I was attracted to Joanne. She looked so cute when she was nervous.

"Yeah, I probably should have told you when we first started hanging out. But you seemed really cool and I didn't want to scare you off by telling you I was gay. I understand if it creeps you out or something." She must have been ignoring the fact that I hadn't moved my hand from her stomach.

"Doesn't creep me out." I curled up against her again.

"It doesn't?" Joanne asked, her voice soft. I smiled and pulled her closer to me. I never wanted to let her go.

"No, it doesn't. Not at all." I felt her relax.

"I think you're the first straight girl that hasn't been creped out by my being gay." Her hand was rubbing my back gently.

"I don't know about that." I said softly, my eyes on my hand on Joanne's stomach.

"But you just said that..."

"I know. I'm not creped out. But I'm not exactly sure if I'm straight." Her hand stilled on my back.

"What do you mean?" I sat up again, pushing my hair back out of my face.

"Ummm, I like you. A lot." She didn't need to know that I had been in love with her for months.

Her eyes lit up. "You like me?" She seemed shocked.

"Yes. And it's been driving me completely insane for months." I pulled my knees to my chest and looked at her. She sat up and hugged her pillow to her chest.

"Now I feel like _I'm_ in high school." Joanne said with a laugh.

I tilted my head to the side and gave her a confused look.

"Maureen, I've been gay all of my life. It's always been hard for me. I can't just walk up to a woman and say 'Hey, I'm Joanne. I think you're hot. Wanna go out?'. It doesn't work that way. And when I was in high school, I had a crush on one of my close friends. When she came over one night we ended up kissing. Two days later she had told everyone that I was gay and that I had talked her into letting me kiss her. I ended up being the local dyke. I've known a lot of women who think they might be gay. It always ends badly. So if you think you..."

"NO! I'm not like other women. I'm Maureen. And I really really really like you. But if you don't wanna..."

"I do. I really do. But I don't want to get hurt again." She looked so small, so hurt, so innocent sitting there curled up around her pillow.

I sprawled back out and reached out to her. She just looked at me.

"Come here. I'm not going to hurt you." I smiled at her.

"Maureen,..."

"Trust me, Joanne. We don't have to do anything. But we're friends. And you're warm. And I'm cold. Conserve heat." I smiled devilishly at her.

She slid across the bed and into my arms, resting her head on my shoulder. My arms slipped around her waste and rested on her back. One of her arms found it's way around my back and her other hand was resting on my stomach.

"Can we go slow?" Her soft, questioning voice made me smile.

"Joanne, we don't have to do anything. I understand that you don't wanna get hurt again..."

And then she kissed me. I almost whimpered. Her lips were soft and warm against mine. I felt like I could live forever.

Seconds later she pulled away and rested her head back on my shoulder.

"Creped out yet?" She asked, humor in her voice.

"No, definitely not creped out. Slightly turned on, yes. Creped out, no." She sighed. I pulled her closer, kissing her forehead.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but I do know that it was the best night's sleep I'd gotten in months.


	8. Chapter 8

I hate waking up in the morning. My dreams are usually much better than my reality. But this morning I was up with the sun. Maybe it had something to do with the beautiful lawyer in my arms.

In the night Joanne had shifted closer, one of her thighs pressed between my legs, and her hand resting just under my shirt on my stomach. Her mouth was open slightly, her breath warm on the side of my face.

My hand was in the middle of her back, underneath her shirt. Her skin was warm.

I started thinking about everything that had happened in the past twelve hours.

Roger and I had been in a fight. I closed my eyes at the memory. Mark and I broke up. I came to Joanne's apartment, cried my heart out, snuggled, told Joanne that I was attracted to her, we kissed, and then fell asleep.

It was all too unbelievable. I ran a hand through her hair to make sure she was really there next to me. She sighed softly and cuddled closer.

The hand under her shirt started to draw random patterns on her back.

I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the Mark situation. What was I going to tell him?

'_Sorry, but you just weren't paying enough attention to me.'_

Right, because he didn't feel like shit already. And how was he going to react when he found out that I was with Joanne?

Life can be so difficult.

Before I let myself get worked up over the problems I would eventually have to face, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I could smell Joanne all around me. It made my heart race.

"That feels really good." Joanne's voice was raw with sleep. I opened my eyes slowly and was greeted with a Joanne smile.

"Happy to be of service." I leaned down and kissed her forehead.

She started to draw on my stomach with her fingers. I squirmed and giggled, begging her to stop.

"So, Maureen's ticklish." Joanne said with a triumphant grin, her hand becoming still again.

"Yes, I am ticklish. It's one of my only weaknesses." I said, smiling at her.

"One of?" She asked, sitting up slightly. I had to laugh.

"Well, I'm extremely ticklish, I love cats, and I have a soft spot for sexy lawyers." She blushed. I love when Joanne blushes. It's the most subtle thing I've ever seen.

"Ug, what time is it?" Joanne asked, trying to change the subject. It was obvious that I made her nervous. I glanced at the clock over her head.

"Eight thirty seven. Do you have to work today?" I didn't want to move. I was to comfortable lying there with her.

"Nope. I just finished a big case so I have the rest of the week off. How about you?" She looked down at me.

"No, I don't." She smiled. "Good." She put her head back on my shoulder.

"We should get up soon." She said after a few minutes. I groaned.

"I don't want to." I closed my eyes, feigning sleep.

"Wake up sleeping beauty." Joanne said, sitting up completely now.

"I can't, sleeping beauty only wakes up after a kiss." It slipped from my mouth before I had the chance to stop it. I opened my eyes, mentally kicking myself in the head.

"Joanne..." The hand on my stomach slid to my waste. I bit my lip.

"Don't do that." Joanne whispered, leaning closer to me.

"Do what?" I slid my hand up her back.

She was moving closer.

"Bite your lip like that. It's too sexy." She looked from my eyes to my lips and then back to my eyes in a fraction of a second.

She was moving to slow. I needed to kiss her. I reached up and threaded my fingers through her hair, pulling her down into a searing kiss. Her body flattened out on top of mine, pressing me into the mattress.

"Morning breath." Joanne whispered when we finally pulled apart.

"Sorry." I blushed.

"Don't worry about it. You need a shower too. You smell like the café." Joanne gave me another small kiss before slipping out of bed.

"Oh thanks." I pouted. She rolled her eyes.

"You know you're adorable. I'm gonna go make breakfast." I sat up and laughed.

"You cook too? The perfect woman." Joanne glanced at me over her shoulder as she walked out of the room.

I got up and made my way to Joanne's bathroom. It was so different from the bathroom in the loft. There were no memories of dead friends, just clean white walls with light green trim that matched the bath matts. Joanne was like a fresh start for me. Everything was new, everything was exciting, everything was unexpected.

I wasn't used to going slow when it came to relationships. I was used to rushing into things head first, damn all the consequences. With Joanne it was different.

When I got out of the shower I pulled my jeans on and slipped back into Joanne's 'Harvard' t-shirt. I made my way into the kitchen, where Joanne was waiting for me.

"You look better." She said as I sat opposite her at the table.

"I feel better." I smiled at her and reached our across the table for her hand.

"Maureen..." She pulled away.

"I'm sorry." I looked down. I was nervous. My stomach was full of butterflies.

"What about Mark?" She was once again the serious , no nonsense lawyer that I fell in love with.

"We're done. We've been done for a long time. He and I are completely over." Our eyes met slowly. She smiled again.

"Good. I don't want to be the other woman." She said with a laugh.

"Don't worry, you're not. You're the only woman." I said with a giggle.

"I made french toast." Joanne said finally, standing and grabbing two plates of french toast.

After we ate, Joanne took a quick shower while I paced her living room trying to decide what I was going to do. I couldn't stay at the loft anymore, that much was obvious. I couldn't stay there with Roger, and I knew Mark wouldn't want to see me. I couldn't stay with Joanne, our relationship was too new.

With a sigh I sat on the couch and grabbed the phone. I dialed the one number that I hated calling.

"Benny, hi. It's Maureen." I rolled my eyes when Benny answered.

"Yes, I left Mark. Which is why I'm calling. I need a place to stay." I started twirling my hair absentmindedly.

"No, I don't expect another apartment rent free. I'll be able to pay. Don't worry about Mark and Roger. You know there's no way they can pay rent."

After a few crude comments about how I could pay the rent, Benny agreed to rent an apartment to me. As I hung up the phone Joanne walked out of the bathroom. She was wearing a pair of dress pants low on her hips and a light purple t-shirt. She looked amazing.

"What's the plan for today?" She asked, sitting next to me on the couch.

"Moving me out of the loft and into my new apartment." I said, turning to look at her. She nodded.

"I can help. Where are you going to stay?" Joanne asked, running her fingers through her hair.

"I called Benny. There's an apartment open in the building. It's the best I could come up with on such short notice." I said with a shrug. She reached across the couch and took my hand.

"You could stay here." Joanne said with a small smile. I tugged on her hand, pulling her closer to me.

"We're taking this slow. I don't want to rush into moving in, because I know if I stay here for a little while, I won't want to leave. So I'll take the apartment." I started rubbing her back.

"Yeah. You have a point." She sounded somewhat disappointed.

"Oh, don't sound so disappointed. You know I'm right." I smirked and she rolled her eyes.

"I should go soon." I said fifteen minutes later. Joanne sighed and sat up.

"I'll go with you. We'll get more done that way." She said, grabbing her purse. I smiled.

"What are you so happy about?" Joanne asked as she slid her jacked on.

"You. Just you." I said, wrapping my arms around her waste. She laughed.

We left the apartment walked to the loft, making small talk.

Joanne amazed me. The second we left the apartment she became Joanne Jefferson, lawyer. She became the logical woman that I had dumped a cup of coffee on months ago.

I suddenly felt so privaleged. Joanne didn't let just anyone see her gentle, vulnerable side. Most of the people that knew Joanne knew her as the responsible lawyer that didn't give a damn about what people thought of her. I knew otherwise. I jumped when I felt her hand slip into mine.

"You okay?" She asked, looking me in the eye.

"Just nervous." I said with a weak smile.

"You don't have to move out." She said softly. The look in her eyes told me otherwise.

"Yeah, I do. I don't think I can ever share a room with Roger again." She nodded her understanding.

"You ready?" We were standing in front of my building. I took a deep breath and nodded, forcing a smile.

"As I'll ever be." She squeezed my hand. I squeezed back.

I don't know why I thought I was always ready for everything. You'd think after everything that had happened over the past few months I would have known that I wasn't ready for anything.


	9. Chapter 9

Joanne and I walked into the building, still holding hands. I felt strange being there with Joanne. In all the time that we'd known each other, she'd' never been to the loft. I always met her places when we would go out. Or we would hang out at her place. I didn't want her to see where I lived.

We met Benny outside my new apartment

"Hey Momo, who's your friend?" He asked, looking Joanne up and down.

"Joanne Jefferson. I'm an old friend of Momo's." I fought to hide a smile. She was never going to let me forget about that.

"Are you two going to be living together?" I didn't like the way he was looking at her.

"No, she won't. She has her own place. It's just me." I gave him a half smile. I didn't really like him, but he was helping all of us out a lot.

"Here's your key. There's a couch and a bed in there already. If you have any problems, let me know. Although, I doubt I'll do anything about it." He was being sarcastic, attempting to be funny.

It was almost sad. Benny could never just be himself. He would try and act 'too cool', like Roger, being lout and uncaring and rude. Of course, nobody can stand it when Roger acts that way either. Then Benny would try and be sweet and lovable like Collins. Everyone thought that he wanted something.

By the time he met Allyson he had no idea who he was. He had become a chameleon, a mirror almost. Just reflecting what everyone around him felt. I guess he and I are alike that way.

Never letting anyone see who we truly are, always acting like everyone expects. That's probably why I'm so hard on Benny most of the time. I feel like he sold out. Now that he's married, he's not the same old Benny that I knew. He acted like a complete jackass.

Then again, I always seemed like a complete bitch. Guess I'm a hypocrite.

"Should we go get your stuff?" I turned and looked at Joanne. Her eyes were wide. She seemed almost afraid to be here.

"Nah, I wanna check this place out first." I said, sliding the key into the lock. I pulled the door open and stepped into my new apartment.

"I don't like it." Joanne said as she walked in behind me. I rolled my eyes and turned to look at her.

She seemed so out of place standing there, her arms crossed over her chest in distaste. She looked like a lawyer visiting her drug addicted client, who she just caught shooting up.

I wondered for a second if our relationship was going to work. If Joanne couldn't understand that this was me, that I didn't need a nine to five job and lots of money to be happy, then maybe it wouldn't work.

Pushing away all of my fears I reached out to her. "Come on, Jo. This place is great. You haven't even given it a chance." I stuck my bottom lip out in a pout, taking her hands in mine.

"Fine." She huffed, rolling her eyes.

That was the first time I used my pout to get my own way against Joanne. I didn't realize that I had done it until later that night, sprawled out on the thin ghost of a mattress that Benny had called a bed.

I hadn't done it on purpose, it just happened. I was used to using it against Mark to get my way. He always fell for the pout. I didn't want that from Joanne. I wanted this to be different. This _had_ to be different.

The apartment was about half the size of the loft and just about as run down. It was pretty much a big open space, the living room and kitchen together in one big room. The single bedroom was off to the right, with no door, the bathroom to the left, thankfully with a door.

I went there first, hoping that it didn't look the same as the bathroom in Mark's loft. It wasn't. The walls were cleaner, no small spots where the blood just wouldn't come out, and there was a mirror above the sink.

I turned to look at Joanne, smiling. She was standing in the middle of the apartment, hands on her hips.

"I like it." I said, walking to her and slipping my arms around her waste.

"I guess it's okay." She mumbled, leaning back against me.

"I'm gonna go upstairs and get my stuff. Do you want to come with me?" I placed a small kiss on the back of her neck. She sighed softly.

"The sooner we get you out of that apartment, the better." The look in her eyes was playful.

"Well then, let's go." I took her by the hand and lead her out of the apartment and up to the loft.

My stomach was rolling over itself and my pulse was racing. I felt like I was walking directly into hell. I didn't know what to expect.

Would Roger be sitting by the window with his guitar? Would Mark be out filming? Would Mark even be out of bed? Would they be fighting? Would Roger be high?

I didn't want Joanne to have to see what was most likely happening in the loft.

"You might want to stay out here. I don't know what might be happening in there." I said, turning to look at her.

"No, we're doing this together." She said, leaning her head on my shoulder for a second.

"Okay, but I'm warning you, it won't be pretty." I pulled the door to the loft open and stepped inside slowly. Mark was on the couch, his camera in his lap. He looked like he hadn't slept all night.

"Maureen, you scared the hell out of me. You can't just run out of here like that. I was worried." In an instant Mark was on his feet, pulling me into a hug. He reeked of alcohol.

"Mark, get off of me." I pushed him off of me, shuddering. He stumbled backwards, barely able to stand up on his own.

"You have nothing to worry about. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself." I walked around him to the kitchen, grabbing my only glass and handing it to Joanne as I walked passed her. Mark reached out and grabbed my arm gently.

"Don't touch me, Mark." I pulled away from him, walking off to the bedroom.

"But you're my girlfriend." Mark sounded confused. He could be so dense when he was drunk.

"I'm not your girlfriend, Mark. We made it official last night, but we haven't been together in a long time." I stood in the bedroom door, my duffle bag in one hand and a pair of my leather pants in other.

"Maureen, I love you." I rolled my eyes.

"No, you don't. You love being in love. You love having a reason to live. You love playing the martyr. I'm sorry Mark. It's done, it's been done, it's going to stay done." I stuffed my pants in the bag, turning on my heels and walking back into the bedroom.

I don't think he even noticed Joanne standing there.

"Come on, Maureen, we can talk about this." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"There's nothing to talk about, okay! I don't love you. I don't want to be with you. This relationship wasn't working. I'm sorry to be such a bitch, but you just aren't listening." I turned and looked him in the eye.

"Maureen, please, we can work this out. Can't we just talk about this?" He took a step closer to me.

"MARK! You need to listen to me. We are no longer a 'we'. I'm moving out." His eyes searched mine for a moment before my words finally worked their way through the haze of alcohol that fogged his brain.

"Fuck you, Maureen. Go to hell." I heard him stomp across the loft and then the door slammed.

"DAMN IT!" I threw more clothes into my bag.

"I try to make this easy on both of us, I try to be nice and let him down gently. But no. Everything has to be a fucking fight." I stopped packing for a second ant took a deep breath, one hand on my hip and the other on my forehead.

"Maureen?" I turned and smiled at Joanne.

"Hey baby." I said with a small smile. She walked over to me and slipped her arms around my waste.

"You okay?" Her voice was gentle in my ear. I smiled and leaned my head back on her shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I gave her a small peck before pulling out of her arms and continued packing.

"You sure?" She took a pair of my jeans and folded them neatly before putting them in my bag. I stuffed a handful of mix matched socks in after her.

"Is that all you have?" She looked around the bedroom.

"All the clothes I have, yeah." I started looking through the bedside table.

"Guess I don't need these." I said with a laugh, pushing the condoms aside. I took my empty wallet, grabbed the one tube of lip gloss I owned and stuffed them in the bag with my clothes. I slung the bag over my shoulder and walked out, Joanne following.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I turned and saw Roger walking out of his room.

"Joanne, can you take this down stairs for me? I just wanna make sure I've got all of my stuff." I said, handing my bag to her.

"Sure. Do you want me to start unpacking for you?" She asked, putting the bag over her shoulder. She glanced at Roger and then back to me.

"Nah, I don't have that much to unpack. I won't be long." I gave her a quick kiss before she walked out, blushing.

"So what, you're a dyke now?" Roger asked crudely as I walked to the bathroom to get what little make up I owned.

"Fuck you, Roger. No, I'm not a dyke." I put my lipstick in my pocket.

"But your fucking that girl? Is she the one you've been cheating on Mark with?" I hated Roger. I knew he was still angry about the night before. So was I.

"I'm not sleeping with her and I didn't cheat on Mark with her. Go to hell." I turned to walk out.

"It wasn't enough for you to sleep with a bunch of guys, was it?" Roger said with a sadistic laugh. I turned on my heels slowly, my eyes on fire.

"What?" It came out as a low growl.

"You're all over women now. I guess men just weren't good enough for you, huh? Get bored?" He was smiling at me now, leaning back against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Fuck you, Roger." I stalked out of the loft and made my way down the stairs to my apartment hurriedly. I tripped down the last three stairs and twisted my ankle.

"FUCK!" I yelled, hobbling into the apartment.

"Are you okay?" Joanne asked, jumping up off the couch.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just...owww, this really fucking hurts." I complained, dropping onto the couch, rubbing my ankle.

"Awwww, come here." Joanne said, sitting next to me and putting an arm around my shoulders.

"Don't, Joanne. I'm fine." I said, pulling away from her.

"Maureen?" Her brow knitted together in confusion.

"What the fuck are we doing, Joanne? Who do we think we're kidding?" My voice sounded angry, harsh, as though I was accusing her of something.

"What?" Her voice was soft, scared.

"We're too different, Joanne. This is not going to work. We can't be together."

'I don't mean any of this. Please know that I don't mean any of this.' I begged silently. Her eyes met mine in a flash of anger.

"What are you saying, Maureen?" Her voice was suddenly confident, filling the small apartment.

"I think we're going to fast. I'm not ready for a relationship."

'I love you. I only want you. Please, don't leave me.'

I don't know why I couldn't tell her what I was really thinking, really feeling.

"Fine. I should have known this wasn't going to work anyway. You're not the relationship type." And then she was gone, stalking out of my apartment and out of my life.

I've never been good with my emotions. I don't like letting people see the real me. It gives them to much of a chance to hurt me. I thought I was ready to let somebody in. I wanted Joanne to be that somebody.

But what if Roger was right? Maybe I was just getting bored with guys and I was using Joanne as a distraction.

I didn't want to hurt Joanne. She meant to much to me.

The echo of her doc martin's faded slowly as she made her way down the stairs and out of the building. I pulled my knees to my chest and cried, alone again.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: This is for Gala Dee and J, who love this fic even more than I do. You're my girls and I love ya!

When I woke the next morning I realized that I was still wearing Joanne's shirt. My eyes hurt. I had cried myself to sleep curled up around a pillow, wishing it had been Joanne. I was already used to sleeping next to her.

I felt like hell. Nothing made sense anymore. My entire world had been turned upside down.

As I made my way across my apartment in my bare feet I shivered against the cold. I never thought I was going to be warm again.

I didn't want to ever have to leave my apartment. The outside world hurt too damn much. It was easier to just curl up on my couch and ignore the fact that other people existed. But nothing I ever did was easy.

I had to work. I had to at least pay the rent. I didn't really need electricity, and I had grown accustomed to a cold shower in the mornings. It helped wake me up.

I wasn't sleeping anymore. I would just lay in bed and wish that Joanne was with me. The dark circles under my eyes were getting harder and harder to hide with make up. Finally I just stopped trying. It wasn't as though I had anyone to impress.

I was still working at the café, although I wasn't sure how much longer I could stand working in the place where I first met Joanne. And on top of that, my slime ball manager kept trying to get me to sleep with him. The bastard made me sick, really.

As I charged into the café one Wednesday, late for the fourth time in two weeks, I knew he was going to have something to say.

"You're late again, Maureen." He was standing behind me, breathing on my neck.

"I know, I'm really sorry. It won't happen again." I slid away from him slowly, trying to act as though he didn't disgust me.

"That's what you said last time. Is everything okay at home?" He was trying to seem concerned. I knew he wasn't.

"Everything's fine, really. I just split up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago and I moved into my own apartment. I'm just trying to get used to living on my own."

I regretted the words the second they left my mouth. It sounded like an invitation for him to hit on me. His arms slipped around my waist and he pulled me back against him.

"If you need something, anything, feel free to ask. I'm always here for you." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to keep calm.

"Well, there is something you can do for me." I said softly, turning in his arms. He leaned in to kiss me.

"You can go to hell." My knee made contact with his groin an instant later and I was walking out of the café.

"Maureen!" He yelled after me angrily.

"I quit!" I replied, not looking back.

One more thing to add to the 'Reasons Why Maureen Should Never Leave Her Apartment Again' list.

Now I had no way to pay the fucking rent. It made me want to find April's old drug dealer and forget all of my problems.

I made my way through the streets of Alphabet City in a fog, lost in my own thoughts.

It was Wednesday. Usually I would be looking forward to going out with Joanne. But of course I had to go and fuck that up.

I shivered against the wind. My entire body felt like ice. My eyes closed slowly and I took a deep breath. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't let myself. Crying didn't solve anything. It just made your eyes swell and your make up run.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I felt someone bump into my shoulder. The next thing I knew I was on my ass on the cold cement.

"Damn, are you...alright?" I held my breath, hoping against hope that I was imagining Joanne standing in front of me. When I opened my eyes she was kneeling next to me, concern written all over her face.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I scrambled to my feet and brushed myself off, avoiding her eyes.

"Are you sure?" I didn't want to look at her. I didn't want to know that she was doing better than I was.

"Of course. I'm fine, Joanne. I promise." Finally I looked at her, flashing her an over confident grin.

She looked good, dressed in her lawyer attire. Black, form fitting dress pants, a white dress shirt, a tie, suspenders, her stiletto doc martins, and a long black trench coat.

I could just imagine grabbing her by that tie around her neck and pulling her in for a kiss. Her eyes searched mine for a moment.

"How have you been?" She asked nervously. I noticed that she was attempting to carry about five different folders in each hand. I don't know how she didn't drop any of them when we bumped into each other.

"I've been...okay. How about you?" I asked, taking some of the files from her and walking with her towards her law firm.

"I've been good. Working a lot." She emphasized her point by nodding down at the files in her hand. I nodded silently.

We continued to walk next to each other, an uneasy silence hanging between us.

"Your shirt!" I stopped and turned to look at her.

"What?" She gave me a confused look.

"Your Harvard shirt. I still have it. I completely forgot about it."

That was a lie, really. I had worn the shirt to bed every night for the past two weeks. She nodded with a small hint of what I hoped was disappointment.

"Yeah. I forgot you had it. I don't wear it that much so I haven't really been looking for it." She seemed so in control of her emotions, so logical and rational.

"I can bring it by tonight if you want. I mean, if you aren't doing anything." It was my way of finding out if she was seeing anyone. She smiled slightly.

"Nothing planned. You don't have to bring it by if you don't want to." For a small second she looked like the vulnerable little girl that I had held in my arms a few weeks ago.

"No, it's okay. Really." I smiled softly. She smiled back.

"Well, I should get to the office. I'll see you around seven thirty?" She took her files back slowly, our hands brushing together for a brief second.

"Sounds great." We stood there for a few seconds, just looking at each other. I could feel my heart racing.

"I'll see you then." She turned and walked off, leaving me to stand there watching her walk away.

I practically floated back to my apartment. I couldn't believe that Joanne was talking to me again I wasn't sure if she wanted to try a relationship, but maybe we could be friends. Even that would be great. I just wanted to be around Joanne again. I felt alive. I've never felt that way before. Nobody could make me smile like Joanne.

When I finally got home I made my way up the stairs to my apartment slowly. I didn't want to be there alone. I thought for a few seconds standing outside my apartment, looking from my door up the stairs to the loft.

I don't know what I thought talking to Mark would accomplish, but before I could stop myself I was standing outside the loft, ready to knock. I hesitated, wondering what I was going to say to Mark.

"Don't just stand there. Either open the door or get out of the way." I turned to see Mark standing behind me, his bike on his shoulder and his camera in his hand.

Without another thought I pulled the door open and walked inside, moving out of the way so that he could get inside.

The sounds of Musetta's Waltz echoed hauntingly from behind the closed door of Roger's bedroom.

Mark set his bike down in the corner and sat on the couch with his camera. I stood by the door, unsure of what to do.

"What do you want, Maureen?" He wouldn't look at me.

"I thought maybe we could talk." I said quietly. He laughed softly.

"Talk about what, Maureen? You left, you didn't want to be in this relationship anymore. What could you possibly want to talk about?" I closed my eyes and took a step farther into the loft.

"Mark, we were friends before we started dating. We used to talk without getting angry or having sex. Why can't we just talk?" I walked across the loft and stood in front of him. He sighed and looked up at me sadly.

"Because you cheated." Mark said simply. I rolled my eyes and threw my hands up in frustration.

"Before that. Don't you remember when we were in high school and we would hang out all night just talking?" I sat on the couch next to him, curling my legs up underneath my body.

"Yeah, I remember." He said, setting his camera aside. I was shocked for a brief moment. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen Mark set his camera aside.

"What happened to us? We used to be such good friends." I put my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes. He put his arm around my shoulders gently.

"We started dating. And then everything got crazy." Mark answered, brushing my hair back out of my face. He was so warm, so familiar. I felt almost safe.

"Is that what you wanted to talk about? The way things used to be?" Mark's voice was gentle in my ear. I sighed deeply.

"Where did we go wrong? Everyone thought that we were going to get married right out of high school and have about a thousand kids." I laughed softly. Oh how things change.

"We came to the city with Roger, we both got wrapped up in our own lives, then Roger met April and everything got all fucked up. And then I started ignoring you." He sounded sad.

"Well I was going to every audition in an attempt to be 'discovered'." Our relationship wasn't Marks fault.

"I should have payed more attention to you." He rested his cheek on the top of my head and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him. I sighed and lifted my head off his shoulder.

"Look, Mark..."

"Do you think maybe we can try again?" He looked so desperate, his blue eyes big and full of hope. I closed my eyes again and bit my bottom lip nervously. I didn't want to hurt him. I don't know why he couldn't understand that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. It was hard for me too.

My eyes pleaded with his, begging him to move on.

"Mark, please..."

His lips were on mine before I could stop him. My hands were immediately on his chest, pushing him away from me.

"Come on, Mark. Cut it out. I don't want to be with you." I jumped to my feet and paced the loft, my arms crossed over my chest.

"What the hell, Maureen?" Mark said angrily, running his fingers through his short blond hair, shaking his head. I just looked at him.

"You cheat on my for months, refusing to let me touch you at all. Then you move out because you decide that you don't love me anymore. Two weeks later you show up at my door and act all cuddly and start asking questions about how we ended up here. What the fuck do you want from me, damn it?" Mark yelled, moving to his feet.

"I want you to be my friend! My _friend_, Mark! We've always been friends. Why can't we be friends now?" I was upset now, once again on the verge of tears.

"Because I love you!" He yelled at me, taking a step closer.

"Well I love someone else!" I yelled back, swallowing my tears. I wouldn't cry in front of him. Not now and not ever again.

"Who?" His eyes burned into mine.

"Please, Mark. Let's just drop it, okay?" I didn't want to tell him. He didn't need to know.

"Who, Maureen?" I sighed, preparing myself for his reaction.

"Joanne." The loft seemed to echo silence. Roger even stopped playing and was most likely listening at his bedroom door.

"What?" Mark's voice was low, angry.

"I'm sorry. I fell in love with Joanne." My confession was once again met with deafening silence.

Finally Mark uttered the two words that I had longed to hear only months ago.

"Get out." He forced out between clenched teeth.

"I really am sorry." I met his eyes slowly.

"You think that means a damn thing? You left me for another woman and all you can say is 'I'm Sorry'. Just get the fuck out Maureen."

I nodded, turned, and walked out. I ran down the stairs to my apartment and slammed the door. A copy of 'The Village Voice' was on the floor. I skimmed it, using it as a distraction to keep my mind off of my problems. I screamed when I read the latest news.

"That bastard." I muttered, dropping the paper on the floor and walking to my room in search of a sheet of paper and a pen.

Benny was closing down the Eleventh Street lot. MY Eleventh Street lot.

Ok, so it wasn't exactly my lot, but I had so many memories there.

I had done so many protests there, fighting for what I believed in, what I thought was right.

After finally finding a piece of paper and a pen I sat on the couch and started my latest protest. Benny was never going to forget this protest.

My mind welcomed the distraction. The only thing that mattered, at least for a few hours, was just me and my creativity.


	11. Chapter 11

I didn't notice when the sun went down. I was still sitting on the couch working on my protest, fighting to see in the dark. I was almost done. All I needed was a cow bell, some old televisions, and somebody to do the lights.

I set the paper aside and stretched, yawning. A quick glance down at my watch told me that it was seven o'clock.

I stood and went to my bedroom, looking for something to wear. I settled on a comfortable pair of old jeans, an white tank top, and a long sleeved black shirt.

I pulled my hair down out of the pony tail holder it was in and shook my head slowly, letting my curls bounce freely around my face.

I decided against make up. I wanted Joanne to see me for me, not the made up woman I pretended to be for the rest of the world.

She was special. I wanted her to know that

I grabbed Joanne's shirt and walked back out into the front room. With one final look around, making sure I had everything I needed, I slid I into my jacket and walked out.

It was raining when I reached the street. I pulled my jacket tighter around my body and put my head down, tucking Joanne's shirt under my own. I didn't want it to get wet.

I made my way to Joanne's apartment quickly, wanting to get out of the rain as fast as possible. Now I was glad I hadn't worn make up. It would be all over my face by now if I had.

The rain seemed to reflect my mood perfectly. The sky was dark and heavy, black clouds controlling what had once been a beautiful blue sky. Raindrops hit the pavement as though it was fighting to get to the dirt underneath.

I chuckled softly, shaking my head. Water droplets rolled down my face and into my eyes. I blinked them away as though they were my own tears.

My heard was pounding in my ears. I was nervous. I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen when I got to her apartment, but I couldn't wait to see her again.

I felt a small smile tug at the corners of my mouth, but I forced it away. I didn't want to be happy if I was just going to go to Joanne's, give her the shirt and leave.

My hair stuck to my face. My head felt heavy.

I stopped outside Joanne's building and looked up, looking for her floor. With a deep sigh I walked into the building and headed for the elevator. The sooner I could see Joanne, the better.

Seconds passed in what felt like hours and finally I stepped out onto Joanne's floor. As I walked to her door I rang the water from my hair. My heart thudded loudly against my rib cage.

Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes and raised my hand to knock. I hesitated, biting my lip. I knocked softly, holding my breath.

Seconds later the door opened, revealing a very comfortable looking Joanne. Her eyes met mine slowly and she smiled.

Her jeans were loose on her hips and her tank top low cut. My eyes ran up and down her body slowly, taking all of her in. She was amazing.

"Come on in." She said, pulling the door open, letting me in.

I slid my sneakers off and took off my jacket, hanging it up and setting my sneakers on the floor.

"Thanks." I said, handing Joanne her shirt.

"I'm going to go get you a towel. I didn't realize it was raining that hard out." She walked off to the bathroom, leaving me to stand alone in her livingroom.

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked around, shivering.

"Here." She walked back into the livingroom and handed me a purple towel.

"Thanks." I said softly. Wrapping the towel around my head I began to dry my hair as best I could. She laughed lightly and sat on the couch.

When I felt that my hair was dry enough I walked to the bathroom to hang my towel up. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I stopped. I looked horrible.

I had lost weight over the past two weeks. I looked sick. I ran my fingers through my damp hair and pouted my lips, turning my head.

"Beautiful." I heard Joanne say from the doorway. I turned and looked at her, a slow blush creeping its way into my face.

"I'm sorry." My voice was soft, my eyes on the floor.

"Come on, we need to talk." She reached out and took my hand, pulling me out of the bathroom.

She lead me to the couch and sat down, pulling me down with her. I curled up into a tight ball on the opposite side of the couch, my head turned to look at her.

"I miss you." She met my eyes slowly, smiling at me.

"I miss you too." We sat in silence for a few more minutes, just looking at each other.

"Joanne..."

"Maureen..."

We laughed nervously and looked away.

"Go ahead." My voice was barely a whisper.

"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have gotten so angry with you. I know you're having a hard time and I should have..."

"No." I couldn't let her finish.

"No, this is my fault. I told you that I wasn't ready. But I was wrong. I was scared. I'm used to being in control and you took all of my control. I get scared easily when it comes to relationships. You're completely different from anyone else I've ever been with. You're logical and smart and beautiful and soft and always in complete control of everything you do."

I was relaxed now, sitting with my back against the arm of the couch, facing Joanne. She did the same. I expected her to interrupt me, tell me that I was crazy.

She just listened, which is one of the reasons I love her. She listens to me.

"I'm used to getting what I want out of the guys I'm with. I can always find a way to get what I want. With Mark, all I had to do was pout, kiss his cheek, give him the puppy dog eyes, nuzzle his neck, and he'd never say no. At the bar, it was a low cut shirt, a tight skirt, a sway of my hips and a devilish smile and I got what I wanted. But you're different. You know how and when to say no. It's one of the things I love...about...you..."

Her eyes went wide and then she looked away. I mentally slapped myself in the forehead.

"Joanne, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..."

"You love me?" Her eyes met mine again, searching for the truth. I could never lie to her.

"Yeah." It was a whisper on a sigh. She took a slow, deep breath, bit her bottom lip, and her eyes darkened slightly.

"Good, because I love you too." I closed my eyes and let out a slow breath.

"Where do we go from here?" I asked, opening my eyes.

"I'd be willing to try again." My heart skipped a beat. I'd been waiting for her to say that for weeks.

"Joanne Jefferson, will you be my girlfriend?" I asked with a sly smile. Her reply shocked me.

She crawled across the couch and put one hand on my hip, running the other one through my hair before kissing me slowly. I slid down on the couch, laying on my back and pulling her down against me. My hands found their way int her back pockets quickly and I pulled her closer.

I whimpered against her mouth when I felt her tongue brush against my lips. I opened my mouth, happily granting her entrance.

She was the first to pull away from the kiss, moving her lips to my neck. The hand on my hip slowly moved under my tank top. A small moan escaped my mouth before I could stop myself.

"Wait." Her lips stilled on my neck.

"I'm sorry, I thought..." I kissed her quickly, running my fingers through her hair.

"Don't be sorry. Damn you're good at that." She smiled shyly. I laughed lightly.

"I still want us to take this slow. You're different and I want this to be different." She smiled and kissed my forehead.

"I love you." She smiled happily.

"I love you too." I kissed her again, taking my time. We didn't have to hurry. We had all the time in the world.

"Let's go to bed. You look like you haven't slept in weeks." Joanne joked, getting up off of me.

"Oh, you're so funny. You're the reason I haven't been able to sleep. I've been to busy thinking about you." I said, standing as well. I slipped my arm around her waist.

"Awww, you're so sweet." She leaned over and kissed my cheek.

We walked to the bedroom and changed for bed, me slipping out of my long sleeved shirt and into a pair of Joanne's pajama pants, Joanne pulling on a pair of shorts. We slid I into bed together and cuddled up close to each other.

"I missed this." I sighed happily, pulling her closer.

"Me too." She whispered, kissing my neck again. I ran my fingers up and down her back softly, kissing her forehead.

"I love you." I whispered. I could feel myself falling asleep.

"I love you." She sounded as tired as I felt.

We fell asleep not long after, my head on her chest, listening to her heart beat. I woke up early in the morning, my body curled up closely to Joanne's.

I sighed and cuddled closer. I couldn't believe I was with Joanne again.

I kissed her cheek softly to make sure she was real. She smiled in her sleep and pulled me closer. My eyes moved around Joanne's bedroom sleepily. The window above her desk caught my eye. It was snowing outside.

I kissed Joanne's cheek again and slid out of bed, walking out into the livingroom. I opened the window and stepped out onto the fire escape.

I didn't care that I was standing outside in the snow wearing a tank top.

I didn't care hat I didn't have any way to pay the rent.

I didn't care that Mark hated me.

All that mattered was that I was with Joanne and we were in love.

I leaned against the railing of the fire escape, looking down at the city. Even at two in the morning the city was awake. I felt two warm arms slip around my waist and I felt Joanne press against my back.

"You're freezing." She whispered in my ear.

"No I'm not." I said, turning in her arms.

"So, when I fell asleep I was in bed with this gorgeous woman and when I woke up, I was alone. Do you have any idea where she went?" She pouted. I think that was the first and only time I've ever seen Joanne pout.

I leaned forward and kissed her quickly.

"Who taught you to pout like that?" I asked with a small smile.

"My beautiful girlfriend." She said, pulling me closer.

"Kiss me, it's beginning to snow." I whispered softly.

And she did.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: This one's a bit long. I tried to split it up in two chapters, but it just wasn't happening. Hope ya'll like it. :)

Warm. That was the only thing my sleep fogged brain could comprehend so early in the morning. I snuggled closer to Joanne, my head resting on her chest. Her heartbeat kept me in a lulled state of consciousness so strong and steady. I could feel my heart beating in the same rhythm.

Joanne shifted underneath me, trying to slip out of bed unnoticed. There was no I way I was going to let that happen.

I tightened my grip on her waist, pulling her closer to me.

"I have to get ready for work, baby." She whispered in my ear. I shook my head, opening my eyes just enough to look up at her and see her smiling down sleepily at me.

"Don't wanna." I said sleepily, closing my eyes again.

"Well I don't want to either, but I have to go to work." She kissed my forehead, running her fingers through my hair.

"Fine." I pouted, moving away from her slightly so that she could get out of bed.

Before she slid out of bed she leaned down and captured my lips in a good morning kiss.

"Morning, baby." She whispered with a smile, climbing out of bed and walking to her closet on the far side of the room. She picked out a simple suit with a skirt and then walked to the bathroom for a shower.

I wrapped my body around Joanne's pillow and inhaled deeply. I smiled, recognizing her shampoo. I was asleep in minutes, lost in my own little dream world.

I don't know how long I was asleep, but when I woke up I could smell coffee. I yawned and stretched before climbing out of bed and walking to the kitchen.

Joanne was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in one hand and the paper in the other. I snuck up behind her and slid my arms around her neck, leaning down and kissing her neck.

"You smell good." I whispered in her ear before kissing her neck softly.

"Why thank you." She said, turning and kissing me gently.

"Do you want some coffee?" She asked, nodding towards the coffee pot.

"No thanks. I don't drink coffee. I don't need any more energy, thank you very much." I kissed her again before taking a seat at the table opposite her.

"So what are your plans for today?" She asked, setting her paper aside.

I smiled, pulling my one of my knees to my chest and resting my foot on the chair. I put my hands on my knees.

She was willing to just talk to me. So different from Mark. I shrugged, smiling.

"Hadn't really thought much about it. I don't really have anything to do. I guess I could work on my protest some more." I said absentmindedly, brushing my hair back out of my face.

"You don't have to work? And what protest?" She sipped her coffee slowly. I took a deep breath and sighed.

"I quit my job. My manager kept hitting on me, so I just quit. And the protest. Remember, I told you about doing protests at the Eleventh Street lot?" She nodded, running her fingers through her hair.

"Benny's trying to shut down the lot. So I'm planning a protest. On Christmas." I smiled proudly, tilting my head to the right.

"My little anarchist." Joanne said, moving to her feet. I watched as she walked across the kitchen to the sink and rinse out her cup.

When she walked by me on her way to sit back down I grabbed her by the hand and pulled her down onto my lap.

"Hey you." I said softly, slipping my arms around her waist underneath her jacket.

"Hi." She smiled and leaned forward, kissing me softly. I whimpered and pulled her closer, deepening the kiss. Her hands ran through my hair as she slipped her tongue into my mouth softly.

We kissed until the need for air won over the need to be close. I bit her bottom lip playfully as she pulled away. Our faces were only inches apart.

"Will you be here when I get home?" She asked breathlessly. I thought for a second, resting my forehead against hers.

I hadn't given it much thought. I didn't want to leave, but I didn't want to invade her space. I was sure she was going to get sick of me sooner or later.

"Do you want me to be here when you get home?" I ran my hands up and down her back softly. She kissed me slowly, rubbing my cheeks with her thumbs.

"Of course I want you to be here when I get home. But it's up to you. I don't want to seem all clingy." She said with a shy smile.

"I'll be here." I kissed her again.

I couldn't get enough of kissing her. It was like a drug.

"Good. I've got to go. But I'll see you later." She said, kissing me quickly.

"Bye baby." She said, climbing off my lap and walking out before I could distract her again.

Her apartment was always so quiet when I was there alone. I walked into the livingroom and turned the television on. I needed the back round noise. I didn't know what to do with myself. I figured I should at least go home and shower, get some clean clothes, and grab my protest stuff.

I made my way around Joanne's apartment, grabbing all of my clothes and shutting the television off before slipping my jacket on and walking out.

I headed straight for the elevator. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the elevator doors and I smiled. I seemed like a completely different woman. A natural smile graced my face. My eyes had a new fire in them. An old fire, really. I felt like I was glowing.

When I reached the busy street I shivered. It smelled like snow. I've always loved the snow. It was always so pretty.

My apartment was only a fifteen minute walk from Joanne's. There was a small theater between the two apartments that I'd noticed every time I made my way from one to the other.

As I walked by today I noticed a sign up, announcing an open audition for a new musical called "The Bamn". I had never heard of it, but I knew that I wanted a part.

I hurried home and ran up the stairs to my apartment. It was cold, but I didn't care. I dropped my clothes on the floor and went directly to the bathroom for a shower. I took my time, making sure that I was completely clean. I wanted to make sure that I looked my best.

Wrapping a towel around my body I looked in the foggy mirror, pulling my hair back out of my face with one hand and tying it in place with the other. With a small smile I turned and walked out of the bathroom, scurrying across my apartment to my bedroom.

I stood in front of my small closet, dancing slightly as I searched for an outfit. I giggled to myself as I pulled out a black skirt and a dark green shirt with long, flowy sleeves. I dressed quickly and then walked back to the bathroom.

Make up was my first priority. When that was done I dried my hair as best I could, leaving down around my face. By the time I finished primping for my audition I had wasted two hours.

I decided working on my protest was the best thing to pass the time and get my creativity flowing. And hour later I was ready for my first audition in almost five months.

I was a little nervous about being on stage again after so long. In high school I was always on stage, whether it was for a school play, singing for a talent show, or just goofing off with my friends.

The stage had always been like a second home for me. I was safe on stage, because I wasn't being myself, I was playing a character.

Nobody could judge _you_ when you were on stage. They could only judge the character you were playing. I was free on stage. I needed to feel that freedom again.

I wondered idly, as I pulled the glass door to the theater open, if I could really go home again.

I could hear a woman on stage singing as I made my way into the theater. I took a seat in the back row and watched her. She was pretty, with long blonde hair, tan skin, and a beautiful soprano voice.

I was shocked, really, that someone as small as she was could make as much noise as she was. I could see the director sitting in the middle of the house, drooling over her. I had to admit, she was hot.

She finished her song and smiled as the director began to gush over her.

"Amazing. Simply amazing. You will definitely be hearing from us." The director said, now on his feet. She thanked him and walked out, smiling sweetly at me as she walked by.

I watched three other women sing, all of them blondes. I began to wonder why they were all blonde. It didn't really matter, though. I was different.

"Next." The director called, looking down at the clip board in his hands. He didn't look impressed. It was obvious that he didn't want to see anyone else. He had already made up his mind. Maybe I could change it.

I made my way up to the stage confidently, hiding my nerves. When I finally reached the stage I looked out at all the empty seats in front of me. It seemed that I was the last to audition.

"Name." He still wouldn't look at me.

"Maureen Johnson." I answered with a smile. His eyes lifted off the page for a brief second to look at me.

"Thank you, Ms. Johnson." He said, moving to his feet.

"You aren't even going to let me sing?" I asked, my voice angry.

"I'm sorry, but you aren't right for this part. I'm sorry to have wasted your time." He was walking away, leaving me to stand on the stage alone.

I couldn't believe that he wasn't even going to let me try out. I ran my fingers through my hair and for the first time in my life I cursed my dark brown curls. This was the first time my looks had stopped me from getting a role.

I don't like feeling like I'm not wanted.

With a huff I stormed off the stage and made my way through the theater and out into the street again. As I made my way back to my apartment an idea formed in my mind.

I hurried inside and changed out of my skirt, pulling on a pair of jeans. It was colder outside than I thought it was going to be.

I found a pair of pajama pants and a tank top and stuffed them in my bag, along with my toothbrush. I had a feeling I was going to be spending a lot more time at Joanne's apartment.

I left as quickly as I arrived, locking my door behind me. My apartment felt empty. It was really just a place for me to crash. Joanne's apartment felt more like home than anywhere else in the world.

As I walked down the stairs I passed Mark, who was making his way up to the loft. We avoided eye contact, moving away from each other as far as the narrow staircase would allow. I shivered again.

Nothing was ever going to be the same again. I fought the urge to turn around and follow him. I knew that trying to fix our friendship right then was pointless. I had hurt Mark and now I needed to deal with the consequences. He and I weren't friends anymore. It was just hard.

Reaching the street I set my plan in motion. I made my way through the city to the only movie rental place I knew. After finding a few movies I thought Joanne would like I went to the closest grocery store I could find. I bought candles, matches, and a bottle of red wine.

When I got back to Joanne's apartment I went to work, setting up.

I put two candles on the table and then went to the livingroom, setting two more on the small coffee table, along with the movies.

Walking back into the kitchen I put the wine in the fridge, debating on whether or not I wanted Chinese food or Italian. I wasn't sure what Joanne would prefer, but I did know that she loved both, so it wouldn't matter either way. I finally decided on Italian. It seemed more romantic.

I called my favorite Italian place and ordered, giving them Joanne's address. I checked the clock and sighed. It was four in the afternoon. With a yawn I grabbed the blanket Joanne kept on the back of the couch and curled up to take a nap. Two weeks of not sleeping was finally catching up with me.

I woke up to the sound of someone knocking on the door. I jumped to my feet and almost ran to answer the door. The delivery guy was kind of cute. I took the bag of food from him and reached into my pocket for my wallet.

"$23.50." He said with a shy smile. The poor kid couldn't have been out of high school. I handed him thirty bucks.

"Keep the change." I said, smiling at him. He blushed, mumbled a thank you, and ran off.

I shut the door and laughed, walking into the kitchen. I set two plates on the table, my mouth watering at the smell of the chicken alfredo. That done I put the two pieces of strawberry cheesecake with chocolate syrup in the fridge and grabbed the wine.

I poured each of us a glass and then stepped back to look at my handiwork. I smiled, reaching into my other pocket, pulling out a box of matches. I lit the candles in the kitchen and turned down the lights before going back into the livingroom and lighting the candles there.

As I blew the match out the door opened and Joanne walked in, looking exhausted.

"Hey baby." I said happily, bouncing over to her and kissing her softly. She dropped her brief case and ran her fingers through my hair, pulling me closer and deepening the kiss. I pulled away, breathless, and smiled.

"How was work?" I asked, leading her to the kitchen.

"Long." She said with a sigh, slipping out of her jacket.

"Awww." I said, wrapping my arms around her waist.

"What have you been up to?" She asked, her eyes locked on mine. I just smiled and nodded towards the kitchen. She turned and looked at the kitchen, her jaw dropping.

"Maureen?" A brilliant smile took over her face.

"I was bored with nothing to do all day. And I missed you." I said with a small smile. She kissed me again, smiling against my lips.

"Come on, let's eat. It's gonna get cold." I said, dragging her to the table. We both sat and began eating in silence, stealing glances at each other whenever we could. I loved watching her. She was always so intense, so passionate about everything she did. It made me smile.

"I love food." She said when she finished, sipping her wine.

"There's more." I said, standing and walking to the fridge. I pulled out the cheesecake and put each piece on a plate.

"Are you trying to kill me?" Joanne asked with a laugh as she looked down at her cheesecake.

"Not at all, baby." I smiled at her, taking a sip of my wine.

After we finished desert I cleared the dishes, leaving them in the sink.

"What now?" Joanne asked, a sly smile on her face. I stood and walked around the table, sitting on her lap.

I kissed her before she asked any more questions, running my fingers through her hair. Her hands settled comfortably on my hips, her thumbs making small circles over my jeans.

"Movies." I whispered when we pulled apart.

Joanne shook her head, kissing me again. I let out a small moan as her tongue swept into my mouth. She wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me closer. I kissed my way along her jaw and down her neck, nipping over her pulse softly. She gasped and bit her lip, trying to keep control.

"You said something about movies?" Her voice was shaky and she took a deep breath slowly, leaning her head on my shoulder as I pulled my lips from her neck. I kissed her cheek and slid off her lap.

"Yup. Come on." I said, pulling Joanne to her feet and dragging her into the livingroom like an eager child.

"You didn't have to do this, ya know." Joanne said, wrapping her arms around my waist from behind. I leaned back against her and sighed, resting my head on her shoulder.

"Yeah, I know. But I wanted to." I kissed her cheek and slid out of her arms.

"Which movie do you want to watch?" I asked, pulling her down on the couch with me.

"I don't care." She said, pulling her knees up underneath her.

"Come on, pick!" I whined playfully, grabbing all the tapes off the coffee table.

"Maureen, I really don't care what we watch. I'll be happy watching anything as long as I get to cuddle with you." Joanne said cutely, smiling shyly at me. I melted.

"Ug, you are too cute." I said, kissing her quickly.

I stood and put the first tape in the VCR.

"What are we watching?" I sat on the couch and curled up against Joanne.

"'What Dreams May Come'." I answered softly, wrapping my arms around her waist.

"Maureen Johnson, I never would have thought that you would be the romantic type. Thank you so much for tonight. It's perfect." She leaned down and kissed my forehead. I hummed softly, smiling.

"I love you." Her breath was warm in my ear. I shuddered slightly.

"I love you too." I pulled her closer, never wanting to let her go.

"Move in with me."

My head shot up and I looked her in the eye.

"What?" My voice came out a squeak.

"I've been thinking about it all day. I love you. And I like the idea of coming home knowing that you'll be here. Move in with me." I sprang into her lap, throwing my arms around her neck.

I kissed her fiercely.

"Is that a yes?" Joanne asked, smiling at me.

"Of course." I kissed her again, all thoughts of movies forgotten by both of us.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Sorry for the update delay. I've been extremely busy for the past few days. I hope you like this one :)

Within two days I had moved in with her. Life finally started making sense again. I thought I was over the petty relationship problems that I had dealt with while I was with Mark. I thought I was done playing games to get my lover to pay attention to me. Apparently, I wasn't.

I never realized how much Joanne worked during the week until I found myself sitting on my ass all day waiting for her to come home. I needed something to do. I needed a job.

When we would go out I noticed that she seemed more protective of me than usual. No matter what club we would go to, her arm would always be securely around my waist.

I didn't mind, though. It wasn't as though I was going to run off and cheat on her and she knew that. Or at lease I thought she knew that.

About a week after I moved in we went out to a new dance club called 'The Spot' that had just opened. I could tell the second we walked back into the apartment that Joanne was upset about something.

"Joanne, what the hell is your problem?" I asked jokingly, dropping onto the couch. I was drunk. I didn't understand why we couldn't just have fun. Joanne was always so serious.

She sat on the other side of the couch, curling up in a ball.

"I'm just tired, Maureen." She closed her eyes and rolled her head back on the couch. I could always tell when she was lying. She seemed so distant.

"Jo, talk to me." I said softly, reaching out and taking her hand. I laced our fingers together and tugged on her arm, pulling her towards me.

She let go of my hand and moved to her feet.

"I'm not in the mood to cuddle." She mumbled, walking off to the bedroom. I rolled my eyes and stood, following her. Joanne _always_ wanted to cuddle.

"What's the matter?" I asked, my voice whiney. I sat on the edge of the bed and started swinging my feet like a child while Joanne changed for bed.

"Don't whine, Maureen. It's very unbecoming." She said as she slid into bed, turning her back to me. I stood and pulled my shirt off, walking to my small dresser. I pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of shorts and then slid into bed.

I wrapped my arms around her waist, nuzzling against her back.

"Maureen, please. Just drop it, alright. It's not a big deal." She sounded angry.

"It is a big deal. You're angry and I don't want you to be." I said, moving to my side of the bed.

"Not everything is about you, Maureen." She mumbled, moving closer to her side of the bed. I bit my lip and curled up around my pillow.

I didn't want it to be about me. I just wanted to know what was wrong so that I could try and make her feel better. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"You were flirting with a girl at the club." My eyes snapped open and turned to look at her.

"So this is about me." I mumbled softly.

"Fuck you Maureen." She said angrily. I put a hand on her shoulder gently. She pulled away.

"I wasn't flirting with anyone. I was with you the entire night." I said quietly, now sitting up. She rolled onto her back and looked up at me.

"You were flirting with the woman at the bar." She arched an eyebrow at me, almost daring me to deny it.

I thought for a second, which quickly turned into a minute because I was still intoxicated. She must have mistaken my silence for an admission of guilt because she turned back over with a huff.

"Damn it, Joanne. I'm drunk. You can't get mad at me because I'm to drunk to answer you the second you ask a question." I said, touching her shoulder again.

"Can't we just get some sleep, please?" She asked, turning to look at me.

"I don't want you to be mad at me. I don't remember flirting with anyone, but I'm sorry if I did." I bit my lip, trying not to cry. I'm a very emotional drunk.

"Ug, don't cry." She pulled my into her arms and I buried my face in her shoulder.

"I love you." I whispered. She rolled her eyes jokingly and gave my a quick kiss.

"I love you too. Now can we get some sleep?" I nodded, curling up against her and wrapping my arms around her waist. She sighed, but I wasn't sure if it was because she was happy or annoyed.

I stayed up half the night wondering what exactly what I had done to make Joanne upset. Before I could remember exactly what I had done, I had fallen asleep. I woke up to an empty bed the next morning.

That was the first time Joanne had ever really acted jealous about anything. I wasn't even sure why she was jealous. I hadn't done anything to make her wonder about me.

I assumed that it was just a one time thing, that Joanne had been having a bad day and she was just frustrated.

But no, every time we went out after that she would try and keep me away from other women and then accuse me of flirting with other people.

It was beginning to get on my nerves, but I was willing to just let it go. I love her and I didn't want to start a fight over something petty like that.

It wasn't until she accused me of cheating that I really lost my temper.

"And where the hell have you been?" Joanne asked as I walked into the apartment, late after an audition that had gone wrong.

"I had an audition that took way longer than it was supposed to." I said, brushing the snow out of my hair.

"You left for that audition hours ago." She was standing in the livingroom with her arms crossed over her chest, looking at me like I was a five year old who just got caught with my hand in the cookie jar.

"Yes, I know. But the director forgot about me. So I sat around and waited and waited for them to call me in, and then while the director was leaving he told me to come back tomorrow. Said he was late for dinner with his wife. I told him that I was late for dinner with my girlfriend. He just laughed and walked away. So I came home."

I leaned in to kiss her. She put her hands on my shoulders and pushed me back to look me in the eye.

"Promise?" She asked, her eyes pleading with mine.

"Where did you think I was, out sleeping around?" I asked with a laugh, walking into the kitchen to get a drink. She didn't answer.

"Joanne?" I asked, standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the livingroom.

"Well fuck Maureen. You've been gone for hours at an 'audition' and then you tell me that you've got to go back tomorrow because the director forgot about you? What am I supposed to think?"

She was babbling now, moving her hands as fast as she was moving her mouth. I wished she didn't have to be so cute when she was babbling nervously.

"Whatever." I mumbled, walking to the bedroom. She followed me.

"Maureen..."

"I don't want to talk right now, okay?" I said, dropping onto the bed with a huff.

"Don't be such a drama queen." Joanne said, standing in the bedroom doorway. I could practically see her roll her eyes.

"I'm not being a drama queen. I just don't want to argue with you." I said, now sitting up and looking her in the eye.

"Couples argue, Maureen." Joanne said, crossing her arms over her chest.

She was using her "I am a lawyer, which makes me important" voice. I hated that voice.

"Couples do argue. When there's a reason to argue. But _we_ have no reason to argue. _You_ have no reason to think that I'm cheating." I tilted my head to one side, arching an eyebrow at her.

"You flirt with anyone that talks to you." I rolled my eyes and laughed.

"No, I definitely do not. When someone talks to me, I talk back. It's called being polite." She shook her head.

"Not the way you do it." She mumbled, walking into the room and sitting on the bed next to me. Her anger seemed to disappear. I glared at her.

"And just what do I do that turns being polite into being a flirt?" I looked her in the eye.

"You giggle and toss your hair and smile and...flirt." If that was her only reason to accuse me of cheating, this argument was going to be over very quickly.

"That's it? I do that to everyone. I do that to my gay friends, too. Does that mean I'm flirting with them?" I asked, humor in my voice. I was trying to keep from getting angry.

Apparently my voice betrayed me, because Joanne looked down and took a deep breath.

"I don't like the way they look at you." She said softly. I put a comforting hand on her knee.

"I can't help the way people look at me, honey. And you obviously don't notice all the people looking at you." I said with a smile.

"They don't look at me. Not the way they look at you." She said, her eyes on the floor. I reached out and touched her cheek gently.

"Oh believe me, people DEFINITELY look at you. How could they not? You're hott. But I just ignore them. Because I know you're my girl. And I'm you're girl." Leaning forward I pressed a small kiss to her lips.

She shook her head slowly, biting her lip.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. She looked so sad, seeming as though she was on the verge of tears.

"Come here." I whispered, holding my arms out to her. She fell against my chest and took a deep breath, wrapping her arms around my waist.

"I'm sorry." She whispered again as I fell back into the pillows, pulling her down with me.

"I know you are." I said, running my fingers through her hair.

"No, really I am. I know you aren't cheating on me. I just...I don't want to lose you." Her grip tightened on my waist. I kissed her forehead softly.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm yours, baby. I love you." She snuggled closer. It felt like she was trying to crawl into my skin.

I shifted slightly to look down at her. She whimpered softly, like a child having a nightmare, and pressed a small kiss to my neck.

"Don't leave me." She whispered.

I don't know what happened to Joanne in her past to make her so insecure. I couldn't believe that this beautiful, strong, intelligent woman was begging me, Maureen Johnson, eternal fuck up, not to leave her.

"I promise, I'm not leaving. Just sleep, baby." She nodded and nuzzled her nose against my neck. One of her hands found it's way underneath my shirt and rested on my stomach. It seemed to be her favorite way to sleep.

"I love you." She whispered sleepily.

"I love you too." She fell asleep not long after and I watched her.

She seemed so young when she slept. All of her fears and insecurities were written all across her face. I felt as though I was her only protection against the world.

Pulling her closer I pressed my lips to her forehead and fell asleep minutes later. When I woke up the next morning there was a note from Joanne on her pillow, apologizing again for accusing me of cheating.

After that night Joanne seemed to relax more when we went out and I tried my hardest to stop flirting with people.

I thought that my life was finally slowing down. I had my protest to look forward to and then I could go back to the theater. I was looking forward to just living with Joanne and being a couple and finally being safe.

I thought Joanne was the only family I needed. Little did I know that soon my life was going to take yet another turn down the winding road we call life.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: This is for people who may be confused by this. The Space equals the 11th Street Lot. I know everyone probably knows this, but I know somebody will get confused, so I'm telling you now. (That really only means you, Jenny) :)

The equipment wasn't working. It was Christmas morning and the equipment wasn't working. I was not happy.

"Maureen, I don't know what to tell you. I know nothing about theater and even less about theater equipment." Joanne said when I called her office.

"And I have an audition on Broadway that I can't miss." I was thinking aloud as I paced the livingroom. The lights on the small fake Christmas tree in the corner danced and played together, distracting me from my conversation with Joanne for a brief moment.

"I know, it's all you've been talking about for a week." She mumbled, annoyed. I ignored her. I was to excited about the audition.

"Who used to set up all of your equipment?" She asked with a deep sigh.

I could just imagine her pacing her office, cell phone in one hand and the other hand pinching the bridge of her nose to fight off the oncoming headache. I knew she was getting frustrated with me. She always got so frustrated with me.

"Mark." I answered softly.

"Oh." She didn't like Mark. I didn't blame her. I didn't exactly want to hear about all of her ex girlfriends.

"I guess I could always call him." I said with a defeated sigh. I hadn't talked to him in months. I didn't even know if he would answer the phone.

"You're not calling Mark." She said matter of factly. I rolled my eyes and bit back an angry reply about her not being my mother.

'There she goes again.', I thought with a small sigh. 'Always telling me what I can and can't do.'

"I'll go myself. I'm sure I'll be able to figure it out." She said, exasperated.

"I don't want you to have to leave work and go down to the space. Really, I'll call Mark. I'm sure he won't mind doing this for me. He hates Benny as much as I do." I sounded so confident.

I wasn't. For all I knew Mark would tell me to go fuck myself like he had done when I was still living in their building.

"No, I don't have that much to do today, so I'll head over to the space and see what I can do." She lied smoothly. My eyes closed slowly.

"Joanne..."

"I'm going, Maureen." She cut me off quickly. She was angry, but I wasn't going to keep arguing with her. I didn't have the time or energy.

"Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can. I love you." I was making my way to the bedroom to find an outfit.

"You too." And then she was gone.

I tossed the phone on the bed and pulled an outfit out of me dresser. I love the snow, but I hate being cold, so I have to wear so many layers, I feel all uncomfortable.

I took a shower and dried my hair, pulling it back out of my face for the audition. I thought maybe I would try something new, change it up a bit.

My eyes fell on the phone lying on the bed. I contemplated calling Mark. As much as I loved Joanne, I missed Mark.

No, I wasn't in love with him, and no, I didn't want to get back together with him. I just missed hanging out with him.

I sat on the bed and pulled my cowboy boots on, which were my favorite pair of shoes. I bought them with the money I made working on my first show in the city.

Grabbing the phone I dialed the number to the loft and held my breath.

"SPEEEEAAAAK" blasted from the other end of the line, followed by a small electronic beep.

"Hey Mark, it's me, Maureen. I was wondering if you could do me a favor. I hired Joanne as my production manager, but I don't think she knows what the hell she's doing. If you could come down to the space, baby..."

"Maureen, hey." My heart stopped. I hadn't expected him to answer.

"Hey." Was all I could manage as a reply.

"You're having some problems with the protest?" He sounded annoyed with me.

I wondered for a second if the only thing I was good at was annoying the people around me.

"Yeah, the mic isn't working again and I have no idea how to fix it and neither does Joanne." The words were coming out of my mouth in a hurried rush.

"I'll be at the space." His voice was full of disappointment.

"Thanks." My voice was full of a silent apology.

The line went dead and I sat listening to the dial tone for a few seconds. Maybe we could be friends.

I didn't know that Collins was home. I didn't know about Angel or Mimi. I didn't know that very soon we were all going to be a family.

My audition went well. I think I really impressed the director. He said I was different, which I hope is a good thing. When I got home I changed into a pair of sweat pants and Joanne's Harvard t-shirt. It had become my favorite item of clothing.

Picking up the phone off the bed where I had left it that morning, I walked out into the livingroom and dropped onto the couch. I dialed the number to the space quickly, hoping that Joanne was still there.

It rang a few times and while I waited for someone to answer I began to wonder what exactly Mark and Joanne were doing to keep them from answering the phone.

"Maureen?" She was angry. I bit my lip, hoping she wasn't mad at me. I racked my brain for a reason for her to be mad and came to a conclusion in record time...

Mark. Mark had most likely done something to make Joanne think I was out cheating and now she was mad at me again. Well if that was how he wanted to play, fine.

"Hey Pookie." I said happily, hoping that Mark could hear me.

It wasn't as though I was trying to make him feel bad or anything...Okay, I admit it. I wanted to make him jealous, if only to piss him off.

"Pookie? You've never called me Pookie." Once again, I fucked up. I only succeeded in pissing Joanne off even more. I started to really wonder what the hell they had been talking about.

"I know. It just kind of...slipped." I said with a giggle, twirling my hair even though she couldn't see me.

She knew that I had called Mark Pookie. Great, another reason for her to think I'm cheating. She just sighed into the phone.

"My audition went well. I'll know in a few days if I made the show." My voice seemed foreign to me. I sounded, bubbly, self absorbed, everything everyone already assumed I was.

"That's great." She said half heartedly. It was better than nothing, I guess. At least she was trying to seem interested.

"I just got home and I was planning on coming down to the space and checking everything out." I said, pulling my knees to my chest.

"Don't bother, we're patched." The line went dead before I had a chance to say anything else.

Instead of getting upset I pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and curled up to take a nap. It was easier than calling her back just to get into another fight.

It seemed like all we did these days was fight. Either she was in a bad mood or I was in a bad mood and then we would practically claw each other's eyes out. I don't know why we were always fighting.

Sometimes I thought leaving would be better for both of us. This couldn't be a healthy relationship.

But then she would wrap her arms around me and kiss my neck and I would melt. No matter how many times we fought, we loved each other and I was determined to make this relationship work. I didn't want anyone else. I wanted Joanne.

I was slowly drawn from my nap by Joanne's lips on mine. I feigned sleep for a few minutes before grabbing her by the collar of her jacket and pulling her down on top of me.

She squeaked in surprise and fell on top of me, trapping me between her body and the couch.

"I'm sorry." I whispered when she pulled away and rested her head on my chest.

"No, you don't need to be sorry. I just don't like thinking about you and Mark together and he was talking about you cheating and a whole bunch of stuff and...It makes me all jealous and uneasy." She said, looking up at me.

I kissed her nose quickly before capturing her lips in another kiss.

"I like it when you get uneasy. You get all cute and cuddly and..." She cut me off with another kiss. We kissed for a few more minutes before I pulled away.

"I love you." I said, slipping my hands inside her jacket and pushing it off of her shoulders, dropping it onto the floor.

"Love you too...honeybear." She sighed in my ear.

"Honeybear?" I couldn't stop the laughter bubbling up inside me from spilling out of my mouth.

"Hey, if you get to call me Pookie, I get a pet name for you. And I pick honeybear, for reasons you'll probably never know." She pressed her lips to my neck as I ran my fingers through her hair.

"I love you, _Pookie_." I said with a small giggle, which quickly turned into a moan when Joanne slid her hand up my shirt.

Sex with Joanne is always amazing. I've never been with another woman, but I can understand why Joanne's always been a lesbian. Nobody could make me feel the way I felt in Joanne's arms.

As we cuddled up under the blanket I ran my fingers through her hair and showered her face with kisses. She sighed and pulled me closer.

"You do know that hot, sweaty make up sex doesn't solve all of our problems, right?" I asked before pressing my lips to hers softly.

"What do you mean?" She asked, pulling away from me.

"I want to know why you're so afraid that I'm going to leave you." I said softly, looking into her eyes. They looked like two pools of melted chocolate, swirling with secrets she had yet to tell me about her past.

"I will. I promise. Just...not now. We have to get ready for your protest." She offered a weak smile to match her weak reply.

"I need another shower. Feel free to join me." I said, pushing on her shoulders. She sad up and I slid out from underneath her, walking naked to the bathroom. She followed right behind me.

An hour later, once we were both showered and dressed, we left for the lot, hand in hand. If Benny was planning on shutting me down, I wasn't going without a fight. He had no idea what he was in for.


	15. Chapter 15

I love watching Joanne when she thinks I'm not paying any attention. Like when she gets up for work in the morning and she dances around the bedroom humming softly to herself.

Or when we watch movies together on the couch and her eyes would be glued to the screen and she would almost always be chewing on her bottom lip, lost in the movie magic.

She never caught me watching her. She never looked up and met my eyes while I sat staring at her. Sometimes I wished that she would so that she would realize that I wasn't self absorbed and oblivious like everyone thought I was.

Maybe then she would realize that I was so caught up in her, so completely wrapped up by her that I couldn't be self absorbed.

But I knew that if she did notice me watching her dance and be free one morning she would stop immediately and apologize for waking me before scurrying off to the shower. So I'll pretend to be to self important to notice her.

My protest turned into a complete disaster. Benny, being the bastard that he is, called the fucking cops. A riot broke out and I guess some people got hurt. Joanne and I got out there as quickly as we could and made our way over to the Life Café.

I was pretty pissed off about my protest. Benny got exactly what he wanted. He shut me down. I was glad to see Collins and Roger waiting for us outside in the snow. After making sure everyone knew each other we went inside and waited for Mark. I really hoped he wasn't hurt.

When he ran in a few minutes later, telling me that he took his footage of my protest to the local news station, I almost screamed.

Instead I kissed him. I'm pretty sure he expected something to come of it and I knew Joanne thought it was something more than it was. But I knew the truth. It was a 'thank you, you're the best' kiss.

I would have kissed Collins the same way if he had done it.

I watched Collins and his new girlfriend, Angel. They seemed really happy together. I could understand why Collins loved her. She was full of life. They fit perfectly together.

Mimi was adorable. I had just met the dancer and already I knew that we were going to be the best of friends.

As we sat down after pulling a bunch of tables together I noticed Benny sitting off to the side of the café with his investors.

"Benjamin Coffmin III." He looked up at me, surprised by me addressing him.

"The enemy of Avenue A." I sat and watched him move to his feet. He started rambling about not wanting the protest to have ended in a riot, but I ignored him. I didn't want to hear anything he had to say.

I slid my hand into Joanne's under the table and smiled at her. She was never a big fan of public displays of affection. She didn't like people looking at her.

So when Mark started singing and dancing on the table, something we were all used to, I was shocked when Joanne jumped up and joined the fun.

I've never seen her just let go like that. She's always been so quiet, so professional in public. When she grabbed me and pulled me into a hug, running her hands down my back and then grabbing my ass I wanted to drag her off to the bathroom right then.

But Benny's father-in-law interrupted us. Apparently homosexuality is a touchy subject with him. I didn't care though. I was in love and she was perfect.

I had been worried about how Joanne was going to fit in with my old friends. She was so different from the rest of us.

She was smart, she was successful, she had a job. But she seemed to open up around us, becoming Joanne the person instead of Joanne the lawyer. She was so beautiful.

I couldn't help but crawl on top of her on the table and kiss her senseless. I was so glad that she was letting me kiss her like this. She didn't seem to care that everyone was watching us and I know I didn't care.

Once again we were interrupted by Mr. Grey. I really couldn't stand that guy.

The rest of the night passed that way, after Benny and his uptight investors left. We won a battle that night. We became a family that night. It was all about us.

We partied half the night before they finally kicked us out. I guess they don't like it when you throw food around in a drunken fit of laughter.

Joanne and I walked home hand in hand, laughing drunkly about what had happened at the Life. We busted into our apartment and stumbled onto the couch together.

"I love you." I whispered in her ear before kissing her neck.

"I love you too." She kissed me slowly, running her hands down my bare arms.

"Wait." My voice was a whispered rush as her lips moved to my neck. She chuckled softly against my neck, slipping one of her hands under my shirt. I gasped and bit my bottom lip.

"You sure, baby?" She nipped at my pulse gently.

"I'm sure, _Pookie_." I said pointedly, running my fingers through her hair.

"You want to talk, don't you?" Joanne asked disappointedly, resting her head on my chest.

"You make it sound like such a crime for me to want to talk to my girlfriend." I said with a small laugh. She giggled and kissed my throat.

"Let's at least go to the bedroom where I don't have to lay on top of you." She smirked down at me and then slid off of me, heading to the bedroom.

I watched her walk away and groaned inwardly. She was going to do everything in her power to distract me from wanting to talk. I stood and stretched, taking my time to let her change.

The last thing I needed to do was walk in there and have her be half naked. I knew I'd never get any talking done then.

When I got to the bedroom Joanne was sitting on the bed with her back against the headboard and the comforter covering her lap. She had changed into a tank top and most likely a pair of shorts.

"It's Christmas, baby. You're gonna freeze." I said, pulling out a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt from the dresser.

"Not if you get over here and warm me up." She said with a seductive smile.

"Not tonight, honey. Tonight I finally get to find out what's been going on in that gorgeous head of yours."

I walked out and headed to the bathroom, changing quickly. I pulled my hair back out of my face and washed off my make-up. When I walked back to the bedroom Joanne had pulled the blanket back on my side of the bed. I smiled at her and sat on the bed, pulling the blanket over my lap and turning to face her.

"What exactly do you want to know?" Joanne asked nervously.

"Everything." I whispered, taking her hand in mine.

"I was fifteen when I first realized that I was interested in girls. Before then I'd never really been interested in anyone. I was to busy working for Harvard in an attempt to get my parents attention. They both spent so much time in court and working on cases that I was left home a lot of the time. By the time I was seven I knew that I wanted to be a lawyer like mommy and daddy. Then maybe they would notice me."

I watched her intently as she spoke. Her eyes were distant, hollow. She seemed to be lost in her memories, but her grip on my hand tightened. I seemed to be her anchor to the present.

"When I told my parents I thought I might be gay they laughed it off, saying that it was just a phase. I hadn't had a boyfriend yet, Dad said that I was to young, Mom said that I needed to concentrate on my school work. But when I told them that I had a crush on my friend Kayla, they both tried to set me up with any smart, soon to be doctor that they could find. Funny how things change so quickly."

She laughed, a soft, almost mournful laugh. A small smile graced her lips.

"Kayla had been my best friend since I was five. She was beautiful. Blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect skin, and she was smart. Wow was she smart. She was the first person that I told when I realized that I was gay. She was really supportive of me, until I told her that I had a crush on her. Within a week she had told everyone that I had hit on her."

Her face became stoney, angry. But I could see the hurt in her eyes. My head found it's way to her shoulder and I looked up into her eyes, begging her to continue.

"I decided then that I didn't want to be gay anymore. Hell, I didn't want to be gay in the first place, but at least it was ok because I had a friend. At least before Kayla I didn't hate myself because of it. I started getting into fights, my grades started to drop, and then my parents decided to send me to Miss Porter's. An all girls' boarding school."

She sounded so sad, so defeated, so broken. One of my arms snaked it's way around her waist and I shifted until we were both on our backs, Joanne's head on my chest. Her hand still held mine in a death grip of comfort.

"I don't know what they thought they were going to accomplish. I ended up staying in my room every night studying, graduated with about a million college credits waiting for me at Harvard and started a new life away from my parents. I decided to be a lawyer because maybe it would give my parents something to be proud of. I had a few girlfriends at Harvard, but none of them lasted. My last girlfriend cheated on my constantly. That was about six months before I met you. I had made a promise to myself that I was going to work on my career and avoid relationships for the next couple of years."

She was smiling up at me, tears shining in her eyes. Our hands twisted and turned over each others, fingers locking and unlocking, curling and uncurling. I felt my heart swell. I wanted to kiss away all of her pain for the rest of her life.

My other hand ran through her hair and down her back slowly. Her eyes closed and a small sigh escaped her lips.

"God I love you." I whispered, showering her face with kisses. She giggled softly and snuggled closer to me.

"I love you too." She said with a smile. She seemed so innocent and vulnerable and childlike.

We stayed like that for hours, just holding each other. I finally understood why Joanne and I fought so much. Joanne was a fighter. She had to fight for everything from the time she was a child.

First, her parents attention, then to be accepted as a lesbian, then to become a lawyer, then to prove herself as a legitimate lawyer and not just someone doing what her parents talked her into doing. And I was too damn stubborn to ever just give in to her.

"I'm sorry." I whispered sometime after the sun broke over the horizon.

"Wha?" She asked sleepily, her eyes still closed.

"I'm sorry that you had to fight so hard when you were younger. I'm sorry that I make you feel so insecure. I'm sorry that you can't just let go because you're afraid that something will go wrong because that's all that's ever happened to you. I'm just sorry baby."

I pressed my lips to her forehead and closed my eyes, fighting off tears. I wished that I could make her feel safe.

"Don't be sorry. Never be sorry, baby. You're perfect. You make me feel safe. You keep me sane. I love you, honeybear." Tears were welling up in her eyes quickly.

I kissed her softly, feeling her tears spill out of her eyes and wet my cheeks slowly.

"I love you so much." I brushed away her tears and she nuzzled into my touch, more tears falling.

It was the first time I'd seen Joanne cry. She wrapped her arms around my waist, clinging to me as she sobbed softly into my chest. I didn't know why she was crying and I didn't want to ask her.

She was so emotional, so beautiful. I was so happy to be there with her.

We fell asleep like that, keeping each other safe and warm, two little girls fighting against the world together.


	16. Chapter 16

I remember crying myself to sleep the night that I found out Mimi and Angel were both HIV positive.

We had all been at the loft, which was empty because Benny had taken all of Mark, Roger and Mimi's things on New Years Eve.

We were celebrating by new job acting at a small theater off Broadway. It didn't have any important message to the world, it was just a bit of fun and I couldn't wait to get on stage again.

Collins and Angel bought the booze and Joanne and I brought the food. We were all just sitting around getting drunk and having fun. Nothing to serious.

When the beeper went off I had been expecting to see Roger and Collins reach into their pockets. What I didn't expect was to see Mimi and Angel doing the same.

My heart stopped for a second as I stared open mouthed at four of my closest friends.

Instead of letting the uncomfortable silence hang over the seven of us while they took their AZT, I turned to Mark and started to bitch about how much of a jackass Benny was.

Twenty minutes later Mark was ready to call Alexi Darling and set up a meeting. Joanne offered to be his lawyer, saying that she knew he couldn't afford one on his own.

When Joanne and I got home that night I headed straight for the bathroom.

"Maureen?" Joanne followed me, stumbling slightly. She was drunk. Normally a drunk Joanne would be the most amusing thing in the world, but I wasn't in the mood to be amused.

"I'm gonna get in the shower, baby. I won't be long." I kissed her cheek on my way out of the bedroom and headed for the bathroom.

Shutting the door I leaned back against it and closed my eyes. Memories of my first encounter with AIDS came flooding back to me. I could almost see April sprawled out in the tub across the room, naked, blood dripping onto the floor, almost mocking me.

I didn't realize how long I'd been in the bathroom or even that I'd been crying until I heard a knock on the bathroom door.

"Maureen, honey, you've been in there for a while and the water isn't even running." Joanne's voice floated through the door with both a hint of concern and a hint of annoyance.

I stood slowly and dried my face on my shirt before pulling the bathroom door open.

"Maureen?" I fell into her arms and sobbed against her chest. Without another word she wrapped her arms around my waist and led me to the bedroom.

Once we were there she pulled the covers back and we both fell into bed. My head instantly went to her chest, counting the beats of her heart in an attempt to stop crying. Instead, I cried in time with her heartbeat.

"What's wrong, baby?" She asked, running her fingers through my hair. I just shrugged, not wanting to tell her the truth.

"Honeybear." She whispered gently, taking my chin in her hand and tilting my head up to look into her eyes.

"I don't want Mimi and Angel to die. I don't want you to leave. I don't want to be alone." My voice was raw with unshed tears that were threatening to spill down my cheeks.

Joanne's brow knitted together in confusion and she shook her head. "Mimi and Angel aren't going to die any time soon, baby. They're both healthy. And I'm not going anywhere, honeybear. I love you and that's never going to change."

Both of her hands were on my cheeks brushing my tears away as her lips met mine slowly.

"But what if..."

"No, I don't want to hear what if from you. What if doesn't matter. What is matters. No day but today." She said with a small smile.

I smiled back and took her hand in mine.

"I love you." I sighed, snuggling up close to her. She wrapped her arms around my waist and kissed my forehead.

I didn't get much sleep that night. I was up all night thinking about April. Even though she had been the one to put the razor blade to her wrist, I blamed her death on the disease. I didn't know if I could handle losing anyone else to AIDS.

I was out of bed before Joanne the next morning. I needed to make sure that I was okay before I let anyone see me. Knowing that Mark and Joanne had a meeting with Buzz Line that afternoon I grabbed an outfit and headed to the bathroom sleepily.

I took a quick shower and pulled my hair back out of my face. After doing my make up I went out into the kitchen and made some coffee.

An hour and a half later Joanne walked out of the bathroom looking as hot as ever. She was wearing a suit, but I was positive I had never seen it before.

The jacket hugged her curves perfectly and her skirt was just short enough to be sexy and yet still professional. Her doc martin's clicked in an even, sticcatoed rhythm that was perfectly Joanne as she made her way across the hard wood kitchen floor to the coffee pot.

"And just who are you trying to impress, Miss Jefferson?" I asked, walking up behind her and slipping my arms around her waist.

"You're in a better mood than you were last night." She turned her head and kissed me gently. I was in no mood to be gentle.

Spinning her in my arms I pressed my lips to hers and pressed her back against the counter hard. Her fingers tangled in my hair and I slid my hands underneath her jacket, pressing them against her back. Slipping my tongue into her mouth I began untucking her shirt.

"Wait..." She whispered softly as my lips found her neck. I groaned disappointedly and looked up at her.

"As much as I would love, and I do mean love, to take you back to bed, we have that meeting with Buzz Line in an hour, which means we need to leave soon." She explained, my lips still kissing her neck.

"Fine." I pouted, pulling away.

She leaned forward and sucked my bottom lip between hers. I whimpered when her teeth grazed my lip and I ran my fingers through her hair.

"No more fears about being alone?" She asked as she pulled away.

"No day but today." I said with a smile.

"Good." She said, picking up her coffee cup. I took a seat at the table and watched as she leaned back against the counter. My eyes traveled up and down her body, drinking her in.

"What?" She asked softly. My eyes met hers and I smiled at the faint blush in her cheeks.

"You're beautiful." She smiled at me and I smiled back.

"We should get going. Mark's probably pacing outside the loft going out of his mind waiting for us." She said, setting her coffee up in the sink.

"Mark's already out of his mind." I said, taking her hand and leading her out of the apartment.

When we reached loft I thought Mark was either going to kill us or cry.

"We're going to be late." He yelled as we approached, glaring at me.

"It's not my fault my girlfriend is hott." I said with a shrug. He rolled his eyes and turned to Joanne.

"Are you sure I'm ready for this?" He asked nervously.

"Of course you are." She rolled her eyes and slid her hands into the pockets of her jacket.

"Let's go then." He said, his eyes on the pavement.

As we walked towards Buzz Line mark and Joanne talked about all of the legal reasons why Mark should take any kind of offer Buzz Line made for him.

I wasn't really paying attention to either of them. I didn't really need to be there, but if it hadn't been for my protest, Mark wouldn't have gotten this job offer.

As we got closer to the building I noticed a slight change in Joanne. I had never seen her in court, but I imagined that she would be calm and confident and always on the attack..

"Wow." Mark said, looking up at all of the buildings around us.

"It's corporate America, welcome." Joanne said as we walked into one of the buildings.

I followed Mark and Joanne through the revolving door and into a world that I had never been to before. I felt completely out of place as I followed Joanne and Mark through a sea of men in suits with brief cases.

I wondered how Joanne stayed sane being a lawyer. It all seemed horribly boring.

The elevator dinged happily and Joanne, Mark, and I stepped out. Joanne stalked confidently to the desk outside Alexi Darling's office and gave the secretary a small smile.

"Hi, we're here to see Alexi Darling." Her voice as confident and controlled.

"Names?" The woman asked, looking down at the book in front of her.

"Joanne Jefferson and Mark Cohen." I didn't want to miss any of the fun, so I stepped forward and tapped the book on the secretaries desk.

"And Maureen Johnson." I glanced at Joanne, who was half glaring at me.

"I think it'd be better if you stayed out here." She said softly. I glanced at Mark and then back at her.

"But my protest..." I started, my voice bordering on whiney.

"We don't want to come on to strong." She was trying to be sweet about it, but it still hurt that she didn't want me in there with her.

"Okay, fine. Whatever." She and Mark walked off into Alexi's office while I perched on the edge of the secretaries desk.

She looked up and me and I smiled at her with a shrug.

"Apparently, I'm to loud." I said with a laugh. She laughed too.

"I'm Beth." She said, holding her hand out to me.

"I'm Maureen. And those earrings are adorable." I said, reaching out to touch them.

"And they're light too. I head really heavy earrings. They make me feel like I'm going to tip over." She looked at the earrings I had in my ears and then gave me a quizzical look.

"The ones you have in look pretty heavy." I smiled.

"My girlfriend got them for me." I said, glancing at Joanne through the window into Alexi's office.

"Awww, where did she get them?" I picked up her pen and scribbled the address down quickly.

"Best jewelry this side of the city." I said with a smile.

Seconds later Mark and Joanne stormed out of the office, each one pissed off about something.

"How did it go?" I asked was we walked into the elevator. They both ignored me. I crossed my arms and leaned back against the elevator wall.

As soon as the doors opened mark ran out and headed for the exit. Joanne was right on his heals. I stood there shocked, but only for a second.

I followed angrily, pushing my way rudely through a crowd of people I didn't care if I offended. When I got outside Joanne had a comforting arm around Mark's shoulders.

"You wouldn't have been anywhere without my protest." I said, crossing my arms over my chest again.

"Does everything have to be about you?" Joanne asked angrily.

"You're the one helping my ex boyfriend." I shot back, almost running to keep up with her as she walked away angrily.

"He needed a lawyer. I figured I could help since you got them evicted." She accused, glaring at me.

"Why don't you to just get an accountants ledgure and a bottle of champaign and go at it." I said, throwing my hands up in the air.

"Invite the girl you were just flirting with to join us..." So that's why she was angry.

"Come on, Pookie. I was just being friendly." I couldn't believe she was this upset about nothing.

"What do you want, do you want me to be your slave? Do you want me to obey your every wish? Tell me what you want." I grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her to face me.

"Commitment." She said simply.

"That's all? Why didn't you say so in the first place?" I asked, moving closer to her.

"What?" She looked confused. I took her hands in mine.

"All you have to do is ask, and I'm yours." I said softly.

My heart started to pound in my ears. She looked down nervously for a second before looking me in the eye.

"Will you...commit to me, to be with only me, for the rest of our lives?" She sounded scared.

I dropped down on one knee and slid one of my rings off. Smiling up at her I slid the ring onto her finger.

"I will. I do." She pulled me up off my knee and into her arms. I wasn't exactly sure what had just happened, but I knew that I was happy. Joanne kissed me slowly, her hand on my face.

"Let's go home." She whispered against my lips. I just nodded, not wanting to break the contact.

We left Mark standing on the side of the street with his bike.

As soon as Joanne and I were inside the apartment, Joanne had me pressed against the door with her hands underneath my shirt.

I didn't have the chance to think about what had happened. I didn't have the chance to comprehend what this all meant.

I had no idea putting that ring on her finger meant more accusations and more fights and more problems than either of us were ready for.


	17. Chapter 17

Fighting and fucking. They seemed to be the only two things Joanne and I were good at anymore. Either we couldn't stand each other or we couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

I'm sure everyone thought that our relationship was going to fall apart any second. But I was determined to make it work with Joanne.

We never really discussed the wedding. There were a bunch of decisions that needed to be made and Joanne immediately took the responsibility all on herself.

I wanted to help, but every time I offered she shrugged me off, telling me that she had everything under control. Sometimes she could make me feel like such a child, being told what I could and couldn't do by my mother instead of in a relationship with my future wife.

Whenever I would bring up the fact that she was treating me like a child instead of a capable woman she would roll her eyes and tell me that she would treat me like an adult when I started acting like one.

After three fights that all ended in me sleeping on the couch, I decided to just let it go. I was tired of fighting with her.

Rehearsals for my new show was the only place where I could just let go. I would bottle up all of the things wrong in my life and then take them out on the other characters on stage.

It was easier to let my character feel all of my emotions than it was to feel them myself.

As the days went on my scenes were becoming more and more emotional until finally I was almost constantly crying on stage.

"Alright, everyone. That's good for today. I don't think Maureen can take much more of this." The director said with a laugh.

I looked up from where I was sitting on the stage and dried my tears on my sleeve. He was right. I didn't know how much more emotion I could take.

"Go home, get some rest. I'll see all of you tomorrow." The rest of the cast gathered up their things and walked out, talking and laughing.

I stayed back, trying to collect my thoughts. I didn't want to go back to the apartment. I wanted to do anything to avoid another fight with Joanne.

"You look like you could use a drink." I looked up to see Becca Henson standing in front of me.

"I could use more than a drink." I mumbled, running my fingers through my hair.

"What's wrong?" Becca asked innocently. She was young, barely twenty one, still in college. Her blonde hair, blue eyes and light skin had most of the guys in the cast drooling over her. We had become good friends while working together.

"Life is wrong." I closed my eyes.

"Come on, I'm taking you out for a drink." Becca said, holding her hand out to me.

"I should go home." I said, taking her hand. She helped me to my feet and lead me down the stairs off the stage.

"You can't take time out of your busy life to go out with a friend?" She had a point. Joanne wasn't going to be home until late. She had a new case.

"Fine." I said, defeated. Becca smiled and dragged me out of the theater and down the street. I didn't know where she was taking me, but as we passed my building I began to feel guilty.

Although I wasn't planning on cheating on Joanne I felt bad about just going out with Becca. I didn't want to go out and bitch about my failing relationship.

I wanted to just talk to Joanne without feeling inferior because I wasn't a Harvard graduate. I was sure that if I just talked to her, let her know how I was feeling, I would be okay.

The bar smelled of cheap booze, sweat, and cigarette smoke. I didn't like being around cigarettes, especially while I was working on a show, because it could ruin my voice, but Becca pulled on my hand, dragging me through clouds of cigarette smoke towards the bar.

I shouldn't have been there. I shouldn't have ordered a shot of tequila when the bar tender asked me what I wanted. And I sure as hell shouldn't have pounded two shots on top of that on an empty stomach.

"So what's wrong? You seem so sad all the time. You were so happy when we first started rehearsals." Becca sipped her beer and tilted her head to the side.

"Everything's just getting all complicated." I said, looking down at the three empty shot glasses in front of me.

"It can't be that bad." She said, putting her hand on my shoulder. I shook my head, using it as an excuse to shake her hand off me.

"Oh it is. My girlfriend and I fight constantly. I mean, she tells me that she loves me all the time and we're supposed to be getting married, but we can barely stand to be in the same room with each other. Something's gotta give, ya know?"

I raised my hand, signaling to the bar tender for another drink. Becca sat in silence for a second, watching as I downed my fourth shot. I fought the urge to cough as the harsh alcohol burned it's way down my throat to my already warm stomach. I was starting to get light headed.

"Does she make you happy?" Becca leaned closer, her voice soft. I smiled sadly.

"Yeah, she does. I just wish she would try and seem me for me. It feels like she's trying to change me."

I felt a gentle pat on my knee and I jumped, turning my head sharply to look at her.

"She doesn't deserve you then." Becca was moving closer, her breath tasting like stale beer against my lips.

I didn't want her to kiss me.

When I felt her lips brush teasingly against mine I pulled back, pushing her hand off my knee.

"What the fuck, Becca?" I asked angrily, moving to my feet.

"Oh come on, Maureen. We've been flirting with each other since we met. You know that I wanted to hook up with you." Becca said defensively.

"Did you miss the fact that I have a girlfriend that I love, who I'm engaged to?" Reaching into my pocket I pulled out fifteen dollars and slapped it down on the bar.

"Don't be so dramatic. I was just looking to have some fun." She reached out, settling an uncomfortable hand on my hip.

"Go to hell." I turned and stormed out of the bar and didn't slow down until I was in the elevator on my way up to the apartment.

I had no idea what I was going to tell Joanne. No matter how many different ways I replayed the scenario in my head, I knew that it was my fault.

I had been the one to fuck up and I was the one that needed to take responsibility for what had happened.

I wasn't sure if it was the tequila, the elevator, or my nerves, but I felt like I was about to puke by the time the elevator stopped on my floor.

Taking a shaky step out of the elevator I ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath. With a huff I pushed the door open and walked inside as confidently as I could, being half drunk. I was ready for a fight.

Joanne was curled up on the couch, sleeping sweetly. All of the anger that I had been feeling towards her over the past few weeks melted into a pool of guilt in the pit of my stomach and started to tango with the tequila.

I felt like such a bitch.

Tears started to well up in my eyes as bile started to rise in my throat. Breathing suddenly became difficult. I barely made it to the bathroom before spilling everything in my stomach, which was only four shots of tequila, into the toilet.

"Maureen?" I heard from the bathroom doorway.

I ignored Joanne as I staggered to my feet and stumbled to the sink to brush my teeth. Once all of the traces of vomit were gone I turned and looked her in the eye.

"We need to talk." I said softly, brushing past her and walking into the livingroom. Sitting on the couch slowly I pulled my knees to my chest, waiting for Joanne to follow.

She curled up on the other side of the couch, her back against the armrest.

"Where were you?" She asked calmly. I was surprised. I had never seen her been so calm about me coming home late.

"Some bar. I don't really know. I went out for drinks with Becca after rehearsal." I said softly, closing my eyes.

"That little blonde girl in the show with you?" I opened my eyes a bit to look at her. She was watching me intently.

"Yeah, she wanted to try and cheer me up." She was trying so hard to stay calm and not accuse me of cheating.

"Cheer you up?" How could I think going out and drinking would have helped solve my problems with Joanne? All it did was make things work.

"She said it looked like I could use a drink and she asked why I was so sad." I uncurled my body enough to reach out and take her hand. Tears were evident in my voice.

Her eyes traveled from our joined hands up my arm to my face.

"What happened?" She whispered, her eyes pleading with mine. My eyes closed slowly. I couldn't bear to see the look on her face when I told her what had happened.

"We kissed." Her hand slid out of mine as she jumped to her feet.

"You kissed?" Her voice was shrill, so different from anything I'd ever heard from her mouth.

"Let me explain." I stood slowly, my head spinning. Joanne paced from the kitchen to the other side of the livingroom.

"Explain what? You went out with another girl and you kissed her. What else could you possibly have to explain?"

No matter what I would have said to her right then, she wouldn't have believed me. Throwing my hands up in the air I turned and stormed off to the bedroom.

"Fuck it." I mumbled under my breath.

"You are not going to just walk away from this, Maureen." That damn lawyer voice.

"I can walk away from this. And I can walk away from you just as easily." Everything went still for a second.

I didn't mean it. I didn't want to leave her. But I was breaking slowly.

I turned to see her leaning against the doorframe in the bedroom doorway, playing with the ring on her finger. It had become a nervous habit of hers.

"Maureen..." Her eyes met mine slowly.

"Damn it Joanne." I dropped onto the bed and pulled my knees to my chest. Joanne didn't move.

"She kissed me." I said softly, forcing away my tears. I didn't want to cry in front of her.

"What's the difference?" Her voice was just as soft.

"There's a huge difference. We were just talking and then she leaned across the bar and kissed me. I wasn't sitting there begging for her to kiss me. As soon as she kissed me I pushed her off of me and reminded her that I had a girlfriend, a fiancé. I didn't kiss her back."

I hated that Joanne could make me feel like a child with a simple look. I met her gaze slowly, looking up at her like a little girl about to be scolded.

"Why did you go out with her in the first place? Why didn't you come talk to me?" She took a tentative step into the room. Her eyes locked with mine with a confused gaze.

"Because every time we talk we end up getting in a fight. I'm tired of fighting with you." She took another step closer to me.

"You can't blame all of this on me." Joanne was getting defensive, which inevitably meant that a screaming match was going to start any second.

"I'm not blaming anything on you." My voice was calm and soft, shocking both of us.

"Are you really going to leave?" She sounded so vulnerable and sad. With a deep sigh I shook my head.

"No, I'm not." I said simply.

"I don't want you to leave." She sat on the edge of the bed and put a gentle hand on my leg.

"I don't want to leave." I sat up slowly, my hair hanging down in my face.

"I don't ever want to be without you." With a soft sigh she brushed my hair back out of my face.

"You won't be." I hated that I felt like I was lying to her.

"I'm tired." She whispered, rubbing her eyes.

"Go ahead to bed, I need to take a shower." She nodded and crawled under the covers.

I kissed her forehead and then slipped away into the bathroom. I shut the door and locked it before turning the water on. I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

My eyes were bloodshot, my face bright red and my hair was a mess of brown curls that looked as though they were trying to attack my face.

I blamed it on the alcohol, but I knew deep down that it was much more than that.

Stepping into the shower I gasped as the hot water hit my skin. I held my breath as I washed my hair, hoping to wash out the smell of cigarette smoke.

I stood in the shower for almost an hour, letting the water wash over with me. Turning the water off I shook my head, my wet hair whipping my face gently.

As I stepped out of the shower I grabbed a towel and wrapped it tightly around my body. After pulling my hair back out of my face I pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a long sleeved shirt and then headed back to the bedroom.

Joanne looked so peaceful sleeping there. I slid into bed and curled up with my back to her, hoping that she was already asleep so that I could think for a little bit.

"Honeybear." I felt a hand on my hip.

"Hmm?" I bit my bottom lip.

"Are you still my baby?" I sighed, turning to face her.

"Of course I am." A small smile graced her full lips.

"I will always be your baby." She nudged my nose with hers before kissing me softly.

"I love you." She whispered, already falling asleep.

"You too, baby." I said, wrapping an arm around her waist. She seemed so content, sleeping there in my arms.

I didn't know that she was as unhappy as I was. I didn't know that she had the same fears that I had.

Maybe if we had talked about it then, maybe if we had really talked to each other instead of ignoring our problems they wouldn't have exploded the way they were bound to.

It was only a matter of time.


	18. Chapter 18

After that night rehearsals were completely uncomfortable. Becca and I were supposed to be playing best friends, but we couldn't even look each other in the eye without stumbling over our lines.

I was pretty sure the director was about ready to recast the both of us. I didn't blame him, though. Opening night was slowly creeping up on us.

"Alright, let's try this again." The director yelled from the back of the theater.

I ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry." I yelled back to him. He rolled his eyes.

"I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to get it right." Becca glared at me from the other side of the stage.

"Some of us have places to be." She mumbled, crossing her arms over her chest.

Before another argument could start the director spoke again.

"From the top of scene three, please. Then we can all get out of here."

The rest of rehearsal ran almost smoothly. When we were finally done I was ready to just sprint out of there and go home. I didn't want to be there any longer than I needed to be.

It made me sad, really. The only place that had been comfortable and safe for me was now one of the places I couldn't stand.

"Okay, we're done. I'm cancelling rehearsals for the next week. I'm going out of town with my wife. Keep singing, keep going over your lines. Becca and Maureen, I don't know what the problem is between the two of you, but you need to get over it. We don't have time for petty fights to get in the way of this show. Thanks for all of your hard work everyone. I'll see you in a week."

With that everyone started to get their things together and walk out. I stood on stage for a second and ran over my options in my head.

I could walk out and ignore the fact that there was a problem with Becca, but avoiding my problems hadn't been working for me yet. I decided to confront her.

"Becca." She tensed visibly.

"What?" Her voice was full of daggers.

I wasn't immediately sure what to say.

"Whatever, Maureen." She turned to walk away.

"We need to talk." I said in a rush. She turned on her heels slowly, her arms crossed over her chest.

"About what? I kissed you, you rejected me, what else is there to talk about?" I wasn't sure why she was angry, but I wasn't going to let her be such a bitch to me.

"There's a lot more to talk about. We were friends before this. Why can't we be friends now?" I took a step closer to her, tilting my head to one side.

"Maureen, I like you. I don't see why we can't just fool around once and a while." She said, pouting. It was my own pout used against me.

"Because it doesn't work that way. I cheated on my last boyfriend and that blew up in my face. I'm getting married, I can't just fuck around." She closed her eyes and nodded.

"Okay, friends. We're going to have to be friends if this show is going to work, right?" She asked with a shrug.

"Of course. Now I have to get home. I've got a girl waiting for me." I gave her a quick hug and then hopped off the stage, heading home.

The great roller coaster relationship what was Joanne and I was on an up. We were along, which is always a good thing when you're getting married to someone. I wasn't sure how long it was going to last, so I decided to take advantage of it.

Her parents planned an engagement parte for us at their country club. I agreed to go and behave, if she came to the Kink Club with me.

The engagement party was tomorrow, so we were going to the club tonight, as soon as I got home.

When I got to our building I almost ran to the elevator. I was excited. Even before Joanne and I started dating I wanted her to go to the Kink Club with me.

She always laughed it off, telling me that it wasn't her thing. It made me smile knowing that she loved me enough to go with me, even if she didn't want to.

I walked into the apartment and tossed my purse on the couch, shedding my jacket.

"Joanne?" I called, hoping that she was home from work. I was ready to party.

"In here." She answered from the bedroom.

I skipped into the bedroom happily. I couldn't wait to get Joanne out of the apartment. Joanne was sitting at her desk, shuffling through some papers that looked extremely important.

I snuck up behind her and slid my arms around her neck, nibbling on her ear.

"Hey, baby." I whispered softly in her ear. She shivered. I loved when she did that.

"Hey." She dropped her papers and rubbed her hands up and down my arms.

"Ready to go?" I asked before kissing her neck. She groaned softly and ran her fingers through my hair.

"Do we have to?" She asked softly.

Pulling my lips from her neck I turned the chair around to face me and straddled her lap. Her eyes went wide for a second, but her hands settled on my hips, pulling me closer to her.

"You promised." I whispered, leaning down close to her lips.

"Maureen..." She almost whined. I kissed her quickly, running my fingers through her hair. Her grip on my hips tightened and she moaned into the kiss.

Breaking away breathlessly I leaned my forehead against hers. She licked her lips and then nodded.

"Fine, let's go." I smiled and kissed her again before climbing out of her lap. She stood and followed me out of the bedroom.

"Honeybear..."

"We don't have to stay long. If you absolutely hate it, then we can come home." I took her hands and kissed her quickly.

"Remember that when we're at the club." She muttered.

The five minute cab ride was made in silence. When we pulled up in front of the club Joanne reached into the pocket of her long jacket. I put a gentle hand on her arm.

"Tonight's on me, baby." I said softly. She nodded and slid out of the cab. After paying the cab fee I slid out of the cab after her, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"Come on, baby. You'll have fun, I promise." I whispered in her ear, dragging her into the club.

Immediately I knew that she was uncomfortable. She tensed and glanced at me. I kissed her quickly and dragged her to the bar. The lights were flashing in time with the music.

"I need a drink." Joanne mumbled, dropping onto a bar stool.

"Try and have fun, baby." I perched on her lap and rested my head back against her shoulder, pulling her arms around my waist.

"Two screaming orgasms, please." I said as the bar tender approached. Joanne glared at me, her eyebrows stretching to her hair line.

"It's a drink, baby." I said with a small laugh.

"Maureen, I'm not getting drunk tonight. One of us has to be sober at the engagement party tomorrow." She said as two screaming orgasms were set in front of us.

"One shot. One shot isn't enough to get you drunk." I said with a giggle, handing Joanne her shot.

"Besides, neither of us needs to be sober tomorrow." I downed my shot, cringing as it burned it's way down my throat.

Joanne took her shot hesitantly, her eyes on me.

"See, it's not that bad." I whispered in her ear before biting it softly. Her grip tightened on my waist, pulling me closer.

"Are you ready to go yet?" She whispered in my ear. I rolled my eyes.

"Come on, Pookie. Don't you want to dance?" I asked, kissing her on the cheek softly.

"Maureen..."

"You know you want to dance. Just one dance and then we can leave. I'm not going to be able to leave early tomorrow." I pouted, batting my eyelashes at her.

She rolled her eyes and pushed me off of her lap.

"Let's go." She slid her jacked off and dropped it onto the barstool.

I smiled and took my jacket off too, taking hand and leading her to the dance floor. My arms immediately slid around her waist and pulled her close. She tensed up and looked around, checking to see if anyone was watching us.

"Baby, nobody cares." I whispered, running my fingers through her hair.

I slowly started to sway my hips in time with the music, moving her hips with my hands. Joanne gave me a warning look, arching an eyebrow at me.

"Joanne, relax." I said, walking around her and wrapping my arms around her from behind, pulling her back against me. She laced her fingers with mine, pulling my arms tighter around her.

"See, this isn't that bad." I whispered in her ear, kissing her neck slowly. She tensed again and then relaxed, sighing softly.

I smiled against her neck as she reached back and ran her fingers through my hair.

"See baby, I told you that you'd have fun here." I said, spinning her in my arms and pulling her close, kissing her.

She groaned into my mouth and pulled me closer.

"I guess you were right." She said, pulling away from me.

"Exactly." I said, kissing her again. She pulled away before she let the kiss get to heated.

"We shouldn't do this here." She whispered as I slid my hand underneath her shirt, caressing the small of her back.

"Look around. We're tame compared to everyone else in here." She looked around and seemed shocked to find that everyone else was practically having sex around us.

"I think I need another drink." She said, running her fingers through her hair.

"What can I get you?" I asked, resting my head on her shoulder.

"A screaming orgasm?" She asked, almost shy. I smiled against her neck.

"Somebody's getting into the spirit of the night." I mumbled before walking off to the bar.

I could feel her eyes on me as I leaned onto the bar.

"Two screaming orgasms." I said to the bar tender with a bored yawn.

"Only two?" I felt a hand on her ass and I jumped.

I knew it wasn't Joanne. Joanne would have hugged me and whispered in my ear, not walk up to me and grope me.

"Well, I'm sure I'll be having more later tonight." I said, turning to look at the woman standing behind me.

I laughed the second I looked at her. She was wearing a rubber bra and a pair of rubber pants that looked like they had been painted on her.

"Someone sounds sure of herself." The woman said as the bar tender set my shots down in front of me.

"Oh, I am." I said as she picked up the shot closer to her. She took the shot slowly, her eyes locked on mine, trying to be seductive.

"My girlfriend is great in bed." I whispered. She choked.

I picked up Joanne's shot and turned to take it to her, a smug smile on my face. I scanned the club three times before I came to the conclusion that she had left me there.

Downing the shot I grabbed both of your jackets and stormed out of the club. I was angry. I had no idea why she would have left me there.

I took a cab home, knowing that I would beat her there. When Joanne got angry she walked around the city.

As I made my way into our building I pulled Joanne's jacket on over top of my own. It smelled like Joanne and it made me smile.

I curled up on the couch and closed my eyes, waiting for Joanne to get home.

Twenty minutes later the door opened and Joanne stormed in, shivering. I sat up, shedding her jacket and leaving it on the couch as I followed Joanne to the bedroom. She started to change immediately, ignoring me.

"Joanne, what's wrong?" I asked, sitting on the bed.

"I don't want to talk to you." She said, her back to me.

"I didn't do anything wrong." I said, jumping to my feet.

"Anything wrong? You drag me out to that damn club to have fun. And I'll admit, I was having fun." I smiled as she turned to face me. My face fell when I realized that she had been crying.

"Jo?" I asked, taking a step closer to her.

"So there I am, actually having fun and the next thing I know you're all over some other woman, who's wearing RUBBER! What the fuck was I thinking trying to tame Maureen the Drama Queen?"

She was talking more to herself than she was to me, but it still hurt. Joanne climbed into bed and curled up, closing her eyes.

"No." I said, walking around the bed and kneeling next to her. She ignored me again.

"I won't let you ignore me." I said, putting my head next to hers on her pillow.

Her eyes scrunched up as she fought to keep them closed. I ran a finger down her nose gently.

"Maureen..."

"There was no flirting." I said quickly, cutting her off. Her brown eyes opened slowly to meet mine. She opened her mouth to argue with me, but I kissed her before she had the chance, running my fingers through her hair slowly.

"This doesn't make me any less angry at you." She said, setting her jaw.

"You know you love me." I said with a small smile, walking to my dresser to change.

"I do love you. But we have things..."

"That we need to talk about. I know. After the party tomorrow. I know we can make it. But if we talk about it tonight, we won't get any sleep. Just promise you won't dump me for some gorgeous, intelligent, successful lawyer your parents want you to be with."

I slid into bed and curled up on my side, looking at her. She turned over slowly, resting her hand on my hip.

"I promise, but we have some things that we need to work on. We have issues." She said with a small laugh.

"Oh, I know. We're a strange couple." I said, settling my hand on her hip.

I wanted to say more, wanted to open up to her, let her know what I was really felling, tell her how much I loved her.

"Joanne?"

"Shhh. Sleep now, honeybear."

She whispered, closing her eyes.

So I did.


	19. Please read me again! I've been fixed!

A/N: So I noticed this morning that for some reason Chapter 19 didn't post completely, so here is ALL of it, not just the beginning.

And now for the story...

Joanne was still angry with me when we got up the next morning. By the time I finally woke up she was already in the shower. I stayed in bed for half an hour, thinking about the night before.

I hadn't slept much. I was to busy thinking and staring at Joanne. Even in her sleep she seemed angry at me. Every time I tried to snuggle closer to her she would pull away. I didn't know why she was so angry at me.

Something must have really been bothering her for her not to want to cuddle. Joanne was the Cuddle Queen.

I remember her telling me once that she thought cuddling was more intimate than sex. I didn't exactly understand it, but I loved being close to Joanne, so I was always happy to cuddle.

I started wondering what Joanne and I were going to talk about later that night. There was so much that we needed to work through, so many things that needed to be said. I was starting to get nervous, anticipating the conversation I knew was going to happen.

The bedroom door opened slowly and Joanne peaked her head in, probably checking to see if I was awake yet.

"Hey baby." I said, sitting up and looking at her.

"Hey. Are you just getting up?" She asked, walking to the bed and sitting next to me. I ran my fingers through my hair and smiled at her.

"I was going to join you in the shower, but I figured we'd never get out of here if I did." I reached out and put a hand on her knee, moving closer to her.

"We have to leave soon." She said, running her fingers through my hair and pulling me even closer.

"I didn't even get a good morning kiss." I pouted, pushing her back on the bed.

"I got up early to get ready." She said softly as I leaned down and kissed her slowly. Her hands rested on my hips, her thumbs working in small circles on the bare skin of my stomach, just underneath my t-shirt.

"We're going to be late if you don't get in the shower soon." Her voice was soft as I started to kiss her neck slowly.

"Don't worry so much." I said before kissing her quickly, running my fingers through her hair and resting my hand on the back of her neck, rubbing it softly.

"I love you." I said before climbing off of her and walking to the dresser. She sat up and started to fix her hair.

"You look great, Pookie." I pulled out my favorite pair of leather pants and a black tank top.

"You aren't actually going to wear that, are you?" She asked, moving to her feet.

"Well not just this." I said, walking to the closet. I pulled out a red suit jacket and tossed it onto the bed.

"Please, anything but the leather pants." She begged, wrapping her arms around my waist from behind.

"But they look hot on me." I whined, pulling her arms tighter around my.

"I know they do. But my parents are going to be there and your parents are going to be there and your parents are going to be there and I'm not sure how your leather pants are going to fit in." She said softly.

We started to sway slowly, rocking in a gentle rhythm to nothing in particular.

"I can make it work, baby." I said, leaning back and kissing cheek.

"Maureen..."

"Stop worrying. Don't worry, baby. I'll be on my best behavior. Besides, this is the dressiest thing I own without being sleazy." I said, turning in her arms. She just looked at me, one eyebrow arched.

"I won't be long." I said, kissing her lips quickly before slipping out of her arms and flouncing out of the bedroom to the bathroom.

I took the quickest shower I think I've ever taken in my life, not wanting to be late for the engagement party. The sooner we finished at the engagement party, the sooner we could go home and talk for the first time in a really long time.

I stepped out of the shower and wrapped towel tightly around my body. Cleaning the steam off of the mirror I stared at my reflection for a few minutes. I smiled and ran my fingers through my damp hair, flipping it to the side.

I dried my hair and pulled half of it back out of my face, leaving the rest of id down. After doing my make-up I went to the bedroom and dressed quickly. Walking out into the kitchen I found Joanne sitting at the table, drinking her coffee.

"Well, what do you think?" I asked, spinning in a small circle as I walked to her. She smiled at me.

"You look great. I guess you were right, the leather does work." She said, slipping an arm around my waist as I stood next to her. I started to play with her hair while she read the paper.

"Ready to go?" She asked, finishing her coffee.

"Of course. I'm ready when you are." She stood and set her cup in the sink. I trapped her against the counter, wrapping my arms around her waist.

I started to kiss her neck slowly, slipping my hand beneath the jacket she was wearing. Her head tilted to the side and she sighed as I traced her belly button slowly. I kissed my way up her neck to her ear, which I bit gently.

"I love you. So much. And I can't wait to be your wife." I whispered in her ear, resting my chin on her shoulder. She sniffed and turned in my arms, kissing me.

"I love you. More than you'll probably ever know." She whispered, tears shining in her beautiful brown eyes.

"Come on, baby. Let's get this over with." I said, taking her by the hand, leading her out of the apartment.

We took a cab to her parents country club, snuggled up in the back seat.

"You ready?" She asked as the cab stopped.

"If I say no, can we go back home?" I asked as she payed the cab driver.

"No, but that was a nice try." She said, taking my hand and pulling me from the cab.

"Are you sure your parents don't hate me?" I asked as we walked into the building.

"Of course they don't hate you, honeybear. How could anyone hate you, baby?" She asked, taking both of my hands in hers.

"And even if they did hate you, it doesn't matter to me because I love you." She looked me in the eye and half pouted at me.

"You are too cute." I said, pulling her closer to me and kissing her. I ran my hands down her back and rested them on her ass, pulling her even closer to me.

A couch from behind me startled me out of the kiss. I leaned my forehead on Joanne's shoulder. Her arms slid around my waist and she pulled me against her, kissing my cheek softly before pulling away.

"Hey daddy." Her parents were standing behind me and I turned to look at them, a small smile on my face.

Her mother immediately started to fix her hair and adjust her jacket.

"Mom, I'm fine." She said, pushing her mother's hands away.

I approached them slowly, my hands jammed in the pockets of my jacket.

"Maureen, you look lovely." Mrs. Jefferson said, giving me a stiff hug. I hugged her back lightly and smiled at her.

"Maureen, how have you been?" Mr. Jefferson asked, pulling me into a bear hug. I hugged him back, letting my eyes close slowly.

"I'm good. Great, really." I said, taking Joanne's hand.

"How's the show going?" He asked, seeming genuinely interested.

"It's good. Opening night is in a few weeks. I'm really excited." I said with a nervous laugh.

"Let us know when exactly. We're going out of town on business next week, but we might be back by opening night." Mrs. Jefferson said sweetly. She was really trying to get along with me.

"I'll call you when I find out the details." I smiled and squeezed Joanne's hand.

"Your parents are already here, in the dining room. We've been trading stories." Mrs. Jefferson said, leading us to the diningroom.

Joanne glanced at me and smiled before pulling me along with her. My parents were sitting in the room at a table near what seemed to be the front of the room, half empty glasses of champaign sitting in front of both of them.

I plastered a fake smile on my face and let go of Joanne's hand, walking to my parents.

"Mom, Dad, hey." I said, hugging both of them at the same time.

My mother pulled back to look at me, her eyes running over my outfit.

"Leather?" She asked with a disapproving look.

"Come on Mom, don't I look good?" I asked, striking an overly dramatic pose. My dad tried to hide his smirk while my mother shook her head at me.

"People should be arriving any minute now. I'm so glad that you let us throw you this party. It's not every day that my baby gets engaged." Mrs. Jefferson said, smiling brightly at her daughter.

Joanne blushed slightly, rolling her eyes.

Ten minutes later people started filing into the room, people that I had never seen before in my life and would probably never see again.

Joanne pulled me out into the entrance way twenty minutes later, explaining that most of the people there were colleagues of her parents.

"Good to know. Have you seen Mark or Mimi or anybody?" I asked softly, looking around the room.

"Why?" She asked, her eyes narrowing slightly.

"Because you know these people. Or at least you know about being a lawyer. You have something in common with them. The only thing I can do is stand next to you and smile and nod like I know what's going on. I'm just a little bored." I smiled up at her, slipping my arms around her waist.

"We don't have to stay much longer if you don't want to." She said softly.

"Don't worry about it. We can stay. It's not a big deal." I said, giving her a quick peck on the lips. Her brow knitted together in confusion for a second.

"We should get back in there. They all probably think we left to have sex." I said, nodding my head towards the main dining room.

"You're probably right." Joanne said before kissing me again.

"Awww, look at the happy couple." I heard someone say behind me. I turned slowly to see Collins, Angel, Mimi, Roger, and Mark standing there.

"I love you." I whispered to Joanne before letting her slip out of my arms.

"I love you too." She whispered back.

"Hey everybody." Joanne said, leading us all back into the main dining room.

I immediately started to discuss brides maids dresses with Mimi and Angel. I wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

We all grabbed drinks and took our seats. Joanne and I sat with my parents while everyone else sat at the table behind us. I laughed lightly at the look my mother was giving Mimi, who had dropped onto Roger's lap without a second thought.

"I can't believe you're getting married." Mimi said once she was comfortable.

"Why?" I asked, turning to look at her. Joanne and Collins seemed to be having another one of their philosophical arguments. I decided to let them go.

"You don't seem like the type to get married, that's all." She said with a shrug, taking a drink of her champaign. I just looked at her.

"I don't mean that in a bad way. But you're a free spirit, and she's...Joanne. And you know I love her to death, but it seems like she's always trying to change you." She smiled sweetly at me.

I know she wasn't trying to be mean or anything like that, butt now I was thinking. If Mimi thought I wasn't the relationship type, the commitment type, maybe Joanne felt the same way. Maybe Joanne was afraid that I was going to run off on her.

Before I had the chance to say anything else to Mimi I heard a clinking noise towards the front of the room. Everyone fell silent as we all turned to see Joanne's parents waiting patiently for everyone's attention.

"I'd like to welcome everyone and congratulate my daughter, Joanne." She giggled nervously and moved closer to me slightly, hiding her face. Sometimes she was just too cute.

"On...on her wonderful choice of a life partner, Maureen Johnson."

Life partner. Everyone around me started to clap as I drank most of my champaign in one swift gulp.

"My husband and I would also like to welcome Maureen's parents, Eddie and Nancy Johnson, into our family." Mrs. Jefferson said.

Everyone clapped again. I glanced at my parents, who both faked a smile at me.

"Would everyone please stand." The room filled with the noises of fifty people moving to their feet. Joanne wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to her. I did the same.

"And let's raise a glass to toast the future of Joanne and Maureen."

I finished what was in my glass and then turned to Joanne. She gave me a quick kiss on the lips, which I pulled away from just as quickly, turning to hug my parents while Collins pulled Joanne into a hug.

I walked off to the bar in search of something more to drink. I had a feeling I was going to need it. I was beginning to feel clostrophobic. I needed to get out of there, take Joanne and go home. But we couldn't just walk out.

"Got anything stronger than this?" I asked, setting my glass down. The woman behind the table shook her head with a small smile.

"More champaign and wine, I'm afraid." She said with a small shrug.

I grabbed another glass of champaign and drank it as quickly as I could.

"Hi." I said, a bit out of breath. She smiled at me. The gold chain around her neck caught my eye.

"Where did you get that necklace?" I asked, sitting on the edge of the table.

"My boyfriend bought it for me for my birthday. I'm not sure where exactly he got it." She said with another small shrug.

Before either one of us could say anything else I felt a sharp tug on my elbow.

"Hey baby." I said, turning and looking up at Joanne.

"Could you excuse us for a minute?" She asked, ignoring me. The woman behind the bar nodded.

"Thank you." She said, dragging me off to talk to me.

"What's up?" I asked, looking her in the eye.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked angrily, her voice low.

"What? We were just talking." I said, taking another drink.

"Right." She mumbled, rolling her eyes again.

"Pookie, we were just talking." Why wouldn't she believe me?

"Maureen, please. Do not do this today..."

"Excuse me sir, could you hold this?" I asked, handing my drink to the man sitting at the table next to us.

"Ya know what, Miss Ivy League," Her eyes flashed up at me in anger.

"I can't take much more of this. This obsessive compulsive, control freak paranoia."

Maybe Mimi was right. Joanne always did seem to be trying to change me. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her.

"What?" She asked angrily.

"I didn't get my nipples pierced because it grossed you out." She looked around nervously, hoping that nobody was paying any attention to me.

"I didn't stay at the Kink Club last night because you wanted to go home." I knew that wasn't entirely true. I could have stayed after she left me there.

"You were flirting with a woman in rubber." Her voice was soft.

"THERE WILL ALWAYS BE WOMEN IN RUBBER FLIRTING WITH ME!" I yelled, not caring who was watching us.

"Gimme a break!"

Why didn't she understand that this was me? I wasn't going to change completely for her and I wasn't going to give in this time.

While I was trying to get her to see my point, to see me, she turned and walked away, embarrassed. There was no way I was going to let her just walk off. I followed her, grabbing her by the waist.

Apparently I embarrassed her again because she pulled away and stormed off. I jumped up onto the closest table, which had an ice sculpture on it. That only pissed her off even more.

She wasn't listening to what I was saying, she was just getting mad and ignoring me. She was to worried about what everyone else was thinking.

The only way I could get her attention on me was to pull my shirt up. Joanne thought I was going to take my shirt off. She always took me to seriously.

I followed her as she stormed off again, this time with my jacket in hand. She started climbing the stairs, but turned to look at me. I hoped that she was starting to listen to me.

"Kiss Pookie." I said, kneeling down on the stairs in front of her. I just wanted her to listen to me. If only she would just listen to me.

I looked up at her, listening to her as she started to blame all of our relationship problems on me. Of course. Everything is my fault. She was throwing my own requests back in my face.

"Take me for what I am."

"A control freak." I was tired of biting my tongue. If she wanted to know what I thought, I was going to tell her.

"A snob, yet over attentive." With every step down those stairs my anger seemed to rise. I couldn't believe she was blaming all of this on me.

"A loveable droll geek." This wasn't working.

"And anal retentive." Maybe love doesn't concur all.

No matter what we did we were arguing. It wasn't worth it anymore. I was not going to back down and apologize this time. I always seemed to be apologizing and it was never good enough for her.

_I_ was never going to be good enough for her.

I slid across the pool table, not caring that everyone was watching us. If she wasn't going to love me for me, that this was not going to work. We couldn't be together. We weren't ready. We were both to angry, to stubborn, to selfish.

"Guess I'm leavin'. I'm gone."

I love you, Joanne.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: So, it took me about a hundred years to update and I'm really sorry. But...here's chapter 20. Yay for updates...

I stormed out of the club and out into the streets of New York City. I was to busy being angry at Joanne to let myself be sad. I didn't care where I was going as long as I wasn't there anymore. I let my anger control me. As long as I was angry, I wasn't crying.

I didn't know if Joanne and I were still together. I had a feeling that she and I weren't going to be discussing our relationship any time soon.

I wrapped my arms around my body and rubbed my arms, trying to keep warm. My jacket was still conveniently at the country club. I had left it there in my desperate attempt to get out.

Stopping to take in my surroundings I turned in a small circle. After I finally recognized where I was I decided to just walk around for a while, hoping that it would give me the chance to clear my head and calm my nerves.

I walked for hours, playing back my entire relationship with Joanne in my mind. I remembered when we first met, how I was immediately attracted to her.

She was always so cute, sitting there in her business suites, drinking her coffee and working on her cases.

I wondered when our relationship went so completely out of control. It felt like one minute we were the best of friends, completely wrapped up in each other, and the next we couldn't stand to look at each other.

We had been so good together when we first fell in love. Nothing mattered but us. It all felt so far away now.

Images of our past together flashed before my eyes, blinding me to the current city around me. My anger was slipping away slowly, only to be filled with a hollow numbness.

I stopped walking and looked around, taking a deep breath. Joanne's building loomed dangerously in front of me.

My heart began to flutter with an uneasy fear of not knowing. I shivered, suddenly remembering how cold it was outside and how cold I really was.

Swallowing the lump of fear in my throat I pulled open the glass doors and headed inside. I was nervous and excited and slightly nauseous and while I waited for the elevator I realized that I had been crying.

I dried my face and fixed my make-up as the elevator dinged and I stepped inside. The doors closed slowly and I couldn't help but feel like they were shutting out all of the oxygen in the elevator.

Closing my eyes I took a few slow, deep breaths, forcing myself to calm down. When I opened my eyes again the doors were opening slowly, setting me free.

But I didn't want freedom. I didn't want to see Joanne, because I was afraid that she was going to set me free too.

I forced myself out of the elevator and down the hall to Joanne's apartment slowly, my breathing shallow. I wasn't sure whether or not I should knock on the door. I obviously still had a key. But I didn't know if I was still welcome there.

After a few seconds of debating, I slid the key into the lock and opened the door hesitantly. I walked inside, my body welcoming the warmth of the apartment.

Joanne was nowhere to be seen. It felt as though I hadn't been there in years, when really it had only been hours. Everything felt sufficatingly comfortable. Being trapped felt safe. It scared me.

My heart started to race and I dropped onto the couch, curling up in a ball. I just wanted to go to bed and do this day over again. My eyes closed slowly as I snuggled deeper into the couch, my mind slipping into nothingness.

I didn't want to think about anything. I just wanted to talk to Joanne. I _needed_ to talk to Joanne. I needed to know that she still loved me. I needed this relationship.

The apartment door opened slowly and Joanne walked in, my jacket in her hand. I sat up and watched her as she made her way back to the bedroom, completely ignoring me. I stood and followed her, already choking on my tears.

Joanne was standing in the middle of our bedroom...her bedroom...the bedroom. I wasn't sure where we stood anymore. Her back was to me as she pulled her jacket off and tossed it on the bed.

I stood in the bedroom doorway silently, just watching her. She was so tense, her fists clenching and unclenching as she walked off to the bathroom, brushing past me without a word.

I sighed deeply and walked into the room, sitting on the bed with my legs curled up underneath me. I slid my shoes off and dropped them on the floor on my side of the bed, silent.

I was afraid that if I spoke I would somehow manage to say the wrong thing just as she walked into the room and I would make her even more upset.

Twenty minutes later she walked back into the room, her hair damp from a shower, wearing her favorite pajama's and her eyes red and puffy. Obviously she had been crying.

She continued to ignore me, hanging her jacket in the closet.

"Jo..." I said softly, my voice cracking.

"Don't." Her voice was harsh as she cut me off. I closed my eyes and bit my lip.

"Don't cry." It was a demand.

"Every time we fight, you cry and I give in. Not this time, Maureen. I'm tired of giving in. We're done."

My heart collapsed on itself and sank to my feet, but I refused to cry. I forced myself to be angry at her, forced the hurt away and let the anger rush forward. I let myself think I hated her.

"You always give in to me? When have you ever given in to me?" My arms involuntarily crossed over my chest and I cocked an eyebrow at her.

The muscles along her jaw twitched as she fought to control her anger. That was my Joanne, ever the control freak.

"I am always the one to give in. You giggle and flirt with all of these other people, making me feel like shit. And then you come home and crawl into bed with me and promise that you'll never do it again and you cry when you think I'm mad at you. And damn it, you're just to cute to leave. So I give in and wrap you up in my arms and believe that you'll never flirt with anyone else and promise I'll never leave you. But it wasn't supposed to be like that today. Today was supposed to be for us. And you flirted like you didn't give a damn."

Her hands were on her hips and her eyes were wide, accusing me of being a horrible girlfriend.

"Now I know that I'm not the best girlfriend in the world, but I wasn't a slut either. So I flirted once or twice. It's not like I was sleeping with anyone else. You make it sound like I was fucking around on you. And you know I wouldn't do that."

I was doing everything in my power to keep myself from crying. Anger was always a much easier emotion to deal with.

"How the hell do I know if you would or wouldn't fuck around on me? Once a cheater, always a cheater."

I was beginning to get frustrated. I had never cheated on Joanne. She had to know that.

"I never fucking cheated on you Joanne. I have no fucking clue what you're talking about."

We both stayed silent for a second, just looking at each other before she spoke again.

"You fucked around on Mark." She said with a smug smile. I knew there was no denying it. She won. I was on my feet in a heartbeat.

"Fuck you, Joanne. That was different and you know it." I said as I stormed passed her on my way to the apartment door. She followed me.

"Of course. It's always different. God forbid Maureen Johnson do something wrong. She always has an excuse for what she does. Nothing is ever her fault."

Joanne's voice was eating at my brain, slowly driving me crazy. Everything she was saying was true, but I wasn't going to let her know that she was getting to me. I wouldn't let her see me break.

In an instant I became Maureen the Drama Queen, the mask slipping easily into place. I turned and met Joanne's angry eyes with icy indifference.

"You want me gone, then I'm gone. I'm sorry that I couldn't be perfect for you, because God knows you're perfect." It scared me how easily I could get angry at someone I loved so much.

"I'm not perfect, Maureen. I just don't sleep around." I couldn't believe her.

My breath caught in my throat for a brief second.

"Excuse me, but I never cheated on you, I never fucked around on you, and I never wanted to. I'm sorry if you don't believe me, but that's your own damn problem, not mine. I'll be back to get my stuff sometime when you're not here."

I pulled the door open and turned to walk out, my hair a flash of brown curls.

"Good, because I can't stand the sight of you." She said as I walked out.

"Go fuck yourself." I called over my shoulder.

I heard the door slam violently as I reached the elevator. I jumped, flinching at the sound. I hit the button on th elevator and waited, tapping my foot impatiently. I needed to get out of there. I couldn't breath. My throat began to tighten slowly, warning me that I was going to start crying soon.

The elevator dinged and I took a shaky breath, swallowing around the lump in my throat. I refused to break. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the cold metal of the elevator. My breathing slowed as I began to calm down.

Everything was going to be okay as long as I could get out of there. I was going to be fine. Hell, I was going to be amazing. I was Maureen Johnson. My mind repeated those words over and over again as I rode down the elevator.

I shivered when I reached the street. I was still without a jacket. Cursing my pride I crossed my arms over my chest and headed down the street.

Everything reminded me of Joanne. It felt like the city was one big reminder of my failed relationship with Joanne. Setting my jaw and refusing to cry I kept my eyes on the small space in front of me.

I refused to let myself hurt because of Joanne. I wanted to be angry at her. I wanted to hate her.

I wanted to hate her for leaving me. I wanted to hate her for never understanding and always accusing me of cheating. I wanted to hate her for not trusting me completely. I wanted to hate her because it was a hell of a lot easier that missing her the way I already was.

I wanted to hate her the way I had hated Mark.

But I couldn't. She was so different than Mark, so much _more_ for me than Mark ever was.

She was my Joanne and I loved her and I needed her and it was killing me.

I looked up at the building in front of me and took a deep breath.

"MARK!" I yelled as loud as my voice would let me. I danced back and forth on my feet, trying to keep warm. A few seconds later the window opened and Mark walked out on the fire escape.

"Maureen?" He yelled down to me.

"Yes Mark. It's Maureen." I answered, arching an eyebrow at him, although I'm sure he couldn't see it from where he was.

"What are you doing down there?" He asked, confused. I wanted to smack myself in the forehead. He could be so dense sometimes.

"Freezing my ass off. Throw down the key. It's fucking cold out here." I yelled back, jumping up and down a bit.

"But what about..."

"Just throw down the damn key!" I demanded, flipping my hair back out of my face.

Mark disappeared and came back a few seconds later. He dropped the key, which landed smoothly in my hand.

"Come on up."


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: Sorry for the wait in the updating. My grandfather died Tuesday so I didn't have the chance to write or update. Suggestions are welcome. I will consider them.

When I finally reached the loft I was happy to find that all their stuff was back.

"All your shit's back." I said, tossing Mark the key.

"I'm gonna go unpack." Roger said, grabbing a box and sulking off to his bedroom.

I looked from Collins and Angel, who were sitting by the door, to Mimi, who was sitting on the other side of the room, surrounded by boxes.

"What's his problem?" I asked, walking over to the couch in the middle of the room and sitting down.

"Benny's a fuck head." Mimi answered, moving to her feet.

"But we already knew that." I said, running my fingers through my hair.

"Well now he's doing everything in his power to piss Roger off. And Roger's taking it out on me." Mimi dropped onto the couch next to me and pulled her knees up underneath her body. She was so flexible. I couldn't believe it sometimes.

"Roger's always like that. If something goes wrong, he throws a fit. He'll get over it." I said, rolling my eyes.

"Well, when he's done being a baby, tell him to give me a call. I have shit to do." Mimi said, standing and walking out.

"Angel, Collins, promise me you two are going to stay together. It looks like everyone's breaking up." I said with a small, fake laugh.

"You and Joanne broke up?" Angel asked, sliding off of Collins' lap to come sit next to me on the couch.

"Oh yeah, we're definitely done. I'm moving out as soon as I find a place." I said proudly.

"Well honey, you're welcome to stay with us until you get back on your feet." Angel offered sweetly, patting my leg.

"Yeah, Mo. You're always welcome to stay with us. We don't mind." Collins said, sitting down on the other side of me.

"No, I need to get out on my own. I don't think I've ever been alone. I've always lived with someone. I'll find a place, but thank you." I said, putting my head on Collins' shoulder.

He wrapped his arms around me in an brotherly hug and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. We stayed like that for a few seconds, my body soaking in Collins' warmth.

"We should go." Angel's hand was on my back comfortingly.

I pulled back from the hug and leaned back into the ratty old couch.

"Call us any time, honey. We're always here for you." Angel said, pulling me into a quick hug before moving to her feet. Collins did the same and the two left, leaving me sitting alone on the couch.

I wasn't really sure why I was there at the loft. I needed somewhere comfortable and familiar and this was the only place my mind could come up with.

"You still drink tea, right?' I heard Mark call from the kitchen.

I stood and walked to the kitchen, my head tilted to one side. Mark was standing over the stove, boiling water.

"What?" I asked, taking a seat at the table.

"When you're upset, you usually drink tea, right? Something about the steam helping your voice?"

I smiled despite myself as he set a chipped mug full of weak green tea in front of me.

"See, this is why we're friends, Mark." I said before sipping my tea.

"Because I make you things when you're upset?" Mark asked nervously. I laughed to myself. After all this time he still seemed so hung up on me.

"No, because you know me so well." I curled one of my legs underneath my body and closed my eyes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I heard him whisper gently.

I opened my eyes slowly to find his blue ones burning two holes into the kitchen table.

"She doesn't get me, that's all there is. I can't be with someone that doesn't get me. It's easier that way. She and I just don't fit."

I knew deep down that I was lying to him. Hell, I was lying to myself. But as long as Mark was there for me to focus on, I didn't have to think about Joanne.

"But you seemed so in love." Mark said, looking up at me.

"Shit happens." I said with a shrug, taking a gulp of my tea.

"You can't just fall out of love with someone. It doesn't work like that." Mark sad softly, adjusting his glasses.

"Well, you know me. I'll do anything to be different." I said with a small smile. He laughed lightly and finished his tea.

"Are you done?" He asked, moving to his feet. I nodded and handed him my cup as he walked by me to the sink.

I watched him as he rinsed out both cups, putting my elbow on the table and resting my chin in my hand. He turned slowly and smiled at me.

"Mark, I'm really glad we're still friends."

I could hear my voice cracking slightly. I wasn't sure why I was suddenly so emotional. Maybe it was because I was to tired to keep fighting my sadness. Maybe I was finally letting myself miss Joanne.

"Come on, let's go sit in the livingroom. You look like you're starting to think again, and that's never good." Mark said, taking my hand and pulling me to my feet.

"Fuck you, Mark. I'm smart and you know it." I said, pulling my hand from his and walking off to the livingroom.

I dropped onto the couch and looked up at Mark, who was standing in front of me.

"You wanna grab your camera, don't you?" I asked with a small laugh. He looked down shyly and blushed.

"I won't if you don't want me to." He said raising his eyes to mine again.

"Go for it, Mark. It doesn't matter to me." I said with a grin.

Anything to keep Mark's attention on me and my mind off my problems. Mark ran off to his bedroom to get his camera while I fixed my hair. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, pushing away all of my real emotions. I made myself feel happy.

It felt like the last year of my life had been nothing but hurt. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I was tired of being hurt.

"And here we have the beautiful Maureen Johnson, who seems sad after her recent break up with her girlfriend, Joanne Jefferson, only hours ago."

I opened my eyes to see mark standing on the other side of the loft, his camera rolling. I rolled my eyes.

"Let's not talk about Joanne." I said, giving Mark my best puppy dog eyes.

"You're beautiful." Mark whispered. I felt myself begin to blush, but I pushed it away. It had been a long time since someone called me beautiful.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have." He said, stopping the camera.

"No, don't be sorry. It's been a long time since anyone's called me beautiful." I said as he dropped onto the couch and set his camera on the floor.

"Well you are." He said, moving closer to me slowly.

I don't know what I was thinking when I let him kiss me. I was hurting and I needed to know that somebody still loved me.

I felt his hand touch my cheek and snake around the back of my neck, pulling me closer. My hands found his chest and I pushed him away. He wasn't Joanne.

"I'm sorry, I can't." I whispered, fighting back tears.

"Maureen, I..."

"Don't, Mark. Just...don't, okay? I'm sorry. This was a mistake." I said, jumping to my feet.

"No, it wasn't. It isn't. We aren't a mistake, Maureen. We fit." Mark pleaded, grabbing my arm.

My green eyes met his blue ones, each swimming with their own tears.

"I'm sorry." I pulled my arm out of his grip and almost sprinted to the door, slamming it behind me.

I couldn't breath again. The world was slowly crashing around me. I was getting dizzy. Leaning back against the door I closed my eyes and fought to keep conscious. My breathe was coming out in short gasps, my lungs unable to fill completely.

"Maureen?"

'Fuck!' I thought to myself, opening my eyes slowly.

Benny was standing in front of me, a look of concern on his face.

"What the fuck to you want?" I asked harshly, pushing myself off the door and heading down the stairs.

Benny only hesitated for a second before following e.

"Are you okay?" He asked calmly. I didn't like that he could be so calm while I was freaking out.

"Do I look okay?" I asked, turning on the step I was standing on to glare up at him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, moving down a step so that we could stand face to face.

"And why the hell would I want to talk to you?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest and tilting my head to the side, arching an eyebrow at him.

"Because as much as you hate to admit it, we used to be friends. Really good friends. Back when life was easier." He said with a small, sad smile.

"Life was never easy." I turned and continued down the stairs, taking them two at a time. Benny still followed me.

"Maureen, don't be that way. Come on, talk to me." Benny begged, running after me.

"I don't like you, Benny. Even when we were living together, I didn't like you. I thought you were an arrogant bastard. I still do." I said, not turning to look at him.

Benny and I were never really good friends. We just kind of co-existed.

"We're more alike than you think we are." He said softly. I was expecting him to be smug, almost mocking me when I turned to glare at him. But he wasn't. His eyes were full of concern.

"How?" I asked, looking down at the stairs for a second.

"We both do what we think is right, even though it's usually wrong. We act like we don't give a damn when really we do. And our pride almost always gets the best of us."

I laughed lightly. He had a point.

"Joanne and I broke up." I said, holding his gaze. His smile faded slowly.

"What happened?" He asked sympathetically.

"Some things just aren't meant to be." I answered with a shrug.

"But you two seemed so in love at Christmas." Benny said, walking down the stairs next to me.

"That was a long time ago. Feels like a lifetime." I avoided his eyes.

"Your old apartment is free if you need a place to stay. I can even spot you the first months rent if you need it." Benny said, looking down at me. He wasn't such a jackass.

"What are you doing here, anyway? Shouldn't you be at home with Muffy?" I asked, smiling up at him.

"She's mad at me. So I came back to apologize to Roger and Mimi. I've been a real bastard to them lately." He said, looking up at the loft.

"Don't bother. Roger will probably just kick your ass." I said with a laugh.

"I say shit and I don't think about it, ya know? Sometimes I open my mouth and the stupidest things come out." Benny said, leading me down the next set of stairs to my old apartment.

"I know. I'm the same way. Gets us in trouble a lot." I said as he pulled the door open.

"I can give you the first months rent. I have to get to the bank." I said as I followed him into the apartment, my arms crossed over my chest to fight away the chill. It was cold in there.

"I can get the heat turned on for you tomorrow. There isn't much I can do tonight." Benny said apologetically. I turned and looked at him, nodding slowly.

"It's fine. I'm just glad I've got a place. Now I can get my stuff out of her apartment." I choked on my tears, breaking eye contact to look at the floor.

"Maureen..."

"I know that you and me haven't always gotten along. Hell, we still don't get along. But you've always taken care of me, of us. I just want to thank you. You're not as much of a jackass as we all thought you were." I said with a teary smile.

"Hey, we're still family, even if we don't like each other. There's always that one family member that everyone hates, but they put up with him anyway. I'm just glad I have a role in here." Benny said, flashing me a smile.

We stood in silence for a few seconds, fighting to see each other in the darkening apartment.

"Maureen, are you going to be okay?" He asked finally, taking a step closer to me.

"Are you kidding?" I asked, grinning up at him. He just looked at me.

"I'm Maureen Johnson. Of course I'll be okay."

He nodded, opening his arms and then deciding against the hug he was about to give me.

"Call me if you need anything." He said, walking backwards towards the door.

"I'm fine, really. But thanks. For everything." He smiled at me again and then he was gone.

Silence hung over the apartment for a full three minutes before I moved. I took two forceful breaths and made my way to the bedroom, my eyes on the floor. When I finally reached my bedroom door I stood there, just staring at the "bed", which was just a ratty mattress on the floor.

Deciding that I was going to need sleep if I was going to make it through the next few weeks I dropped onto the bed and curled up around the only pillow I had.

I cried myself to sleep; silent, body shaking sobs that never seemed to end.

Sleeping alone was never fun.


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: Finally, a new chapter. I hope you guys are still reading. Please review. It makes me happy on the inside.

I wasted no time moving out of Joanne's apartment. I wasn't going to stay anywhere I wasn't wanted.

Waking up slowly the next morning I rolled out of bed and padded barefoot out into the livingroom. There was nothing anywhere.

I walked to the window and watched the sun come up. I wondered was Joanne was doing right then. She was probably already at work.

Before I let myself start thinking about her again I tore my body from the window and walked to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror I cringed. My eyes were red and puffy, almost swollen shut. I looked like shit.

Turning on the hot water in the sink I scrubbed my face almost raw. I needed my clothes. Everything I owned was in Joanne's apartment. As I made my was out of the bathroom and back into my apartment I wrapped my arms around my stomach.

Not only was I cold and upset, I was hungry.

"Damn." I mumbled, pulling my shoes on. I was tired.

Pulling the apartment door open I took a deep breath and walked out. I made my way down the stairs in a fog, ignoring everything else around me.

"MAUREEN!" I jumped. People really needed to stop doing that to me.

I looked up to see Mimi leaning over the railing two floors above me.

"What are you doing here?" Mimi called down, a confused look on her face.

"It's a long story. What are you doing right now?" I called back, leaning against the wall.

"Nothing, how 'bout you?" She replied.

"I'm going over to Joanne's. I have to get my stuff." I yelled up to her.

"Why?" Mimi asked, leaning dangerously over the railing.

"Because. Come with me. I'll explain on the way." I didn't want to go alone.

"Okay, let's go." Mimi said excitedly.

I wasn't sure why she was so excited to see me move out, but she was Mimi and she was happy and even if I was upset she could make me smile.

"What happened with you and Joanne?" She asked, linking an arm through mine and dragging me down the stairs.

"We had a fight." I said with a shrug.

"It was more than a fight. You guys always fight. When I first met the two of you, you were arguing." Mimi said as we reached the street.

I thought for a second, my eyes on the ground underneath my feet.

"We didn't fight all the time, did we?" I asked, looking over at Mimi. She didn't seem to notice the almost scared tone in my voice.

"Not all the time, but you have to admit, you two did have a shit load of fights. Why the hell was this one so different?" She asked, looking up at me.

A deep breath later I answered with a touch of indifference.

"She accused me of fucking around on her." Mimi laughed softly.

"That's not the first time she's ever done that. She must have said something to really piss you off." She said, pulling her arm from mine to pull her cigarettes out of her purse.

"Ug, do you have to smoke those damn things?" I asked, one hand instantly moving to my throat.

"You live in New York City and you're asking me not to smoke?" Mimi asked, cigarette hanging from her lips. I rolled my eyes.

"Whatever, just blow the smoke not at me." I said as we passed what was now referred to as 'The Maureen Theater'.

Mimi lit her cigarette and took a long drag, closing her eyes. Making sure she blew the smoke in the opposite direction she turned and looked at me.

"When's opening night?" She asked, glancing back at the theater.

"Two weeks from yesterday." I said with a smile. At least something was going right for me.

"So what's been going on with you and Roger?" I asked, looking at Mimi out of the corner of my eye. She seemed to be thinking about something.

"Roger's mad about Benny. He thinks I'm sleeping with the bastard. And he wants me to quit using." Another drag on her cigarette, another puff of smoke blown to the side.

My eyes instantly looked up and down Mimi's thin frame. For the first time I noticed how sick Mimi really was.

"What?" Mimi's voice pulled me back to our conversation.

"Just thinking." I answered softly.

"You think I should quit too?" She sounded angry.

"I think I've seen what drugs can do to a person. I watched Roger and April go through it and you're to good for all that shit." I hoped that she would see my point.

Sometimes I wondered if Roger really loved Mimi, or if he was just looking for someone to replace his April. The two were so much alike some times it was scary. But then Mimi would smile at Roger and he would smile back and I knew he loved Mimi because she _wasn't_ April.

Mimi stayed silent for a second, finishing her cigarette. After dropping the butt on the concrete and stepping on it to put out the ashes Mimi's eyes met mine.

"It's hard to quit." She said, wrapping her arms around her small body.

"I don't want to tell you how to live, because god knows my life is fucked up as all hell, but it's something you should consider." I glanced at Mimi again. She seemed lost in thought again.

"I'll look into it." She said with a sigh. We walked in silence for a few minutes, neither one wanting to piss the other one off.

"This is my stop." I said, looking up at Joanne's apartment building.

"I'd love to stay and help you pack, but I have to go to the park." Mimi said, avoiding my eyes.

I wanted to help her. I wanted her to be safe. I wanted her to live. Pulling Mimi into a hug, I kissed her forehead.

"I love you, Meems. Don't ever forget that, alright?" I whispered in her ear. She laughed slightly, pulling back from the hug.

"I'm a big girl, Maureen. I can take care of myself." Mimi said, smiling up at me.

"I know, but that doesn't mean I can't worry about you. It's what families do." She laughed.

"I'll talk to you a little bit later, okay? I need a nap. I'm working all night tonight, and I worked all night last night." Mimi lied. I knew she wasn't going to go home and sleep. She was going to go home and get high.

"I'll talk to you later." I said, watching her walk away.

I turned my attention back to the apartment building. My brain started to pound with "what if" questions that I would never be able to find the answer to.

'What if Joanne was there when I got there?'

'What if Joanne had destroyed all of my stuff?'

'What if, what if, what if?...'

But I knew that Joanne wouldn't stay home from work and I knew that Joanne wouldn't destroy my stuff. She was better than that.

The elevator dinged and I walked off, my arms crossed over my chest. As I walked to Joanne's apartment door, a million scenarios ran through my mind of different ways that I would find the apartment. Each one ended in the two of us getting back together, falling into each others arms and promising to love each other forever.

Taking a deep breath I put my hand on the door knob, hoping that Joanne would b e on t he other side, just as upset as I was.

Finding the apartment empty wasn't a surprise to me at all. No matter how much I wanted Joanne to be there, I knew she wouldn't be. Joanne wasn't the type to sit and cry over something like the two of us breaking up. Joanne was much more logical than that. Joanne was the type to throw herself into her work and forget that I ever even existed.

The apartment was in complete order. Everything was in it's rightful place. Some small part of me wanted to wreck the apartment. She would remember me then.

Again, a million different scenarios ran through my mind, all ending in a million different fights.

No, destroying the apartment wasn't the answer. Destroying the apartment would only help to prove Joanne's theory that I was a slave to my emotions, unable to control myself.

The coffee pot in the kitchen was empty, but Joanne's coffee mug was sitting in the sink. She must have gotten up early to leave for work and drank the entire pot.

I felt like a ghost walking through the silent apartment. As I made my way to the bedroom I felt my heart contract.

Two deep, forceful breaths calmed me slightly. The bed was perfectly made, not a pillow out of place.

The duffle bag was resting comfortably under the bed, covered in a thin layer of dust. I sighed softly to myself, dropping the bag on the floor by the closet.

My clothes were hung up neatly next to Joanne's boring business suits. Oddly enough, they looked like the perfect couple.

I started stuffing clothes into my bag, ignoring my mother's voice in the back of my head telling me to always fold my clothes because otherwise they would wrinkle.

I didn't need to be thinking about my mother right now.

Turning back to the closet I was shocked to find that all of my clothes were in my duffle bag. It hurt. I felt wild and free, ready to leave at the drop of a hat without much notice, and all I wanted was to be tied down.

I didn't really need anything but my clothes, my shoes, and my bathroom things, like towels. I made my way back to the bathroom and grabbed everything that was mine.

Everything else in the apartment was something that Joanne and I had bought together. Not wanting to start another fight with her, I decided to leave all of it. Everything looked comfortable there. Hell, I was still comfortable there.

Reaching into my pocket I pulled out the key to her apartment. I needed to leave her a note, let her know that I came by to get my stuff.

I found paper and a pencil in one of the kitchen drawers and took a seat at the table. I wasn't sure what I wanted to write. I just knew I had to tell her something, anything.

'_Jo,_

_So, I came by today to get my clothes. I wasn't really sure what to take,_

_so I just took my clothes. Everything else seemed like it was supposed to _

_be here. I'm leaving my key here too. I'm staying in the little apartment _

_in Mark's building. Maybe one day we can be friends again. I miss us _

_being friends. _

_Maureen'_

With one last look around the apartment I put my duffle bag over my shoulder and made my way out of the place that had been home to me for so long.

As much as I wanted to stay and wait for Joanne and make our relationship work, my pride wouldn't let me. I knew that I was right and there was no way I was going to let Joanne think otherwise.

I should have know that Joanne was feeling the same way. Neither one of us was willing to give and apologize.

When I finally got back to my apartment I went directly to the bathroom for a shower. I needed to get clean and I needed to relax.

Pulling off my clothes I left them in a pool on the floor and turned the water on. The water pressure sucked and the hot water was barely hot enough to consider warm.

I shivered as I turned my face up underneath the cool water. My tears mixed with the water that was already running down my face.

I cried until the water ran cold, which was probably only about five minutes. The cold water shocked me out of my tears. I washed my hair quickly and stepped out of the shower.

Digging through my bag I grabbed the only towel I brought back with me. I dried off as quickly as I could, pulling on a pair of jeans and a long sleeved dark green shirt. Not wanting to spend time drying my hair I pulled it back out of my face before looking at myself in the mirror again.

I knew that makeup couldn't hide my sadness. If I was going to make it through the next few hours I needed to get control of my emotions. I stared into my own eyes until I saw nothing but random shapes pieced together to make my face.

My nose was to big; sharp and hawk like on my face. My jaw was huge compared to the rest of my face. I finally understood why April had killed herself. I was beginning to wonder what I had to live for. It would be so easy...

Shaking my head to rid myself of my thoughts and forcing away tears I took two deep breaths, closing my eyes. Opening them slowly I met the unwavering gaze of my reflection.

I forced a smile.

I looked like a clown.

I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the next few minutes, let alone the rehearsal I was going to be late for.

Putting off my own problems I made my way to the theater as quickly as I could, ignoring the world around me. Nothing mattered anymore.

As I made my way down the isle of the theater towards the stage I smiled as best I could. Climbing the stairs slowly I realized that everyone was already there, waiting for me.

"Look who finally decided to show up." My mask fell into place perfectly, covering the fears it knew by heart.

I stuck my tongue out and chuckled softly.

"Well, a diva always is fashionably late." I said, striking an overly dramatic pose in an attempt to make everyone laugh.

It worked.

"Somebody's in a good mood." Becca said, smirking at me.

"You know it, baby." I winked at her. Inside, I flinched.

"Alright, let's get started. We still have a lot of work to do." The director said, moving out into one of the seats in the audience.

As act one started and ignoring my feelings got harder, I pushed myself farther into trying to feel nothing.

Nobody seemed to notice that I was fighting for every breath I took.

I guess I'm a better actress than they all thought.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: Oh man, I bet you all thought I fell off the face of the earth, didn't you? Well, I'm alive. And I come baring a new chapter. Please don't hate me.

Opening night had never been something to make me nervous. I'm Maureen Johnson. Nerves have never been a problem for me. After spending most of my life on stage, the theater was the one place that could make me feel safe.

But standing backstage, watching all of the people filing into the theater, I couldn't calm the butterflies in my stomach. I kept trying to catch a glimpse of one of my friends. I had expected Collins and Angel to come. They had promised when I first got the part.

Although Joanne and I hadn't even spoken to each other since I moved out of the apartment, part of me thought that she might come to the show.

A warm hand settled on my hip and for a second I forgot about all of my problems. With a sigh I fell back into the warm body behind me, closing my eyes. "Come on, we have to take our places." Becca's breath was hot in my ear.

Fighting back tears I forced a smile and let Becca lead me behind the curtain. As the show began, I let everything disappear. Nothing mattered as long as the crowd continued to clap.

When the curtain fell for intermission, it felt as though all of my problems fell back into place. As I made my way back to my dressing room, I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't know why my breakup with Joanne was suddenly tearing me apart.

I had been doing so well lately, spending all of my free time at the theater working on my career that I hadn't really had time to think about Joanne. Maybe that was my problem now. Without the stage to distract me, I had time to think.

My dressing room door was closed when I got there, but I knew that I hadn't left it that way. Fear took over my body as I pushed the door open and stepped inside. Half a dozen long stemmed yellow roses sat on the make-up table in a glass vase.

I smiled. My friends did remember my opening night. I picked up the card and scanned it, my face falling as my heart fell into my stomach.

'_Maureen,_

_You look amazing. Congratulations. _

_Jo'_

Tears welled up in my eyes once again. If I hadn't been so concerned with what the make up department would have done to me if I ruined my make up and the show in general, I would have broken down right then.

Instead, I dropped the card on the floor and ran out of the room, looking up and down the hall for any signs of Joanne. "Becca," I said, grabbing her by the arm as she walked by.

"Have you seen anybody in my dressing room?" I linked my arm through hers as we walked to her dressing room. "Umm...," She glanced over at me. "Someone walked in with flowers and then left in a hurry, why?" She asked, touching up her lipstick.

"Well, I found the flowers and I wondered who left them." I leaned against the door frame and crossed my arms.

"No card?" She asked, turning to look at me. The small smile on her lips made me want to forget Joanne. If only I could. "No card." I lied, forcing another fake smile.

"There's a party tonight after the show. The director wants to celebrate a successful opening night." It wasn't a question or a request, merely a statement to inform me of plans that I could be a part of. Almost an invitation, but not quite as risky.

The nervousness was evident in Becca's voice. She knew that I was going through a hard time with my break up and although I knew that she still wanted to hook up, I was grateful that she wasn't being as pushy as she had been before.

I didn't want to hurt anymore. Why was I wasting my life away waiting for a woman that obviously didn't love me when I had Becca, ready and waiting to hook up, no strings attached?

I ignored the little voice in the back of my head screaming that it was because I was in love with Joanne and I didn't just want to hook up with anyone else.

"Sounds like a party. I've been entirely to anti social the past few weeks."

I couldn't keep living the way I was. I felt empty. It wasn't fair. Here I was, suffering, and Joanne was off happily living her life. "You've had a lot to think about lately." Becca replied, giving me a questioning look.

"No more thinking," I replied, grabbing her hand and dragging her out of her dressing room. "Just acting. Which reminds me, I think we have a show to finish." I smiled, hoping that Joanne was still lurking back stage somewhere. I wanted to make her jealous.

"Are you sure?" One of Becca's eyebrows was arched as she glanced over at me. My smile grew into an almost clown like grin. "The show must go on." I said as we slid back behind the curtain. Turning on my microphone I winked at Becca, who rolled her eyes but blushed just the same.

It reminded me of when Joanne used to blush when I would kiss her in public. Her cheeks would turn a darker shade of brown and would be warm to the touch as she tried to do everything to avoid my eyes.

The curtain slowly crawled out of the way and my mind seemed to shut off as my body went on auto pilot. The rest of the show went smoothly and the audience reacted better than I ever could have dreamed.

As the curtain dropped after curtain calls, I was on an emotional high. Although nothing in my life seemed to be okay, my career was on the rise.

"Maureen, you're amazing. How do you do it?" Becca asked as we made our way to our dressing rooms. "Hey, when I'm hot, I'm hot." I said with a small shrug and a flirtatious smile. She just looked at me.

"I need a shower. Do you want to go to the party together?" I asked, standing outside my dressing room door. I felt like I had been on a really strange blind date. Becca smiled.

"I'll meet you here in an hour?" She asked happily. I nodded.

"I can't wait." My voice didn't sound as enthusiastic as I wanted it to. Becca didn't seem to notice.

"Great." She replied before practically floating off to her dressing room. I took a quick shower and dressed, pulling on a pair of jeans and a grey tank top. After doing my make-up I sat on the small couch in my dressing room and waited.

My mind began to run in overdrive as I waited for Becca. The roses across the room seemed to be mocking me. I didn't want them, couldn't stand the reminder of Joanne's ever dominate presence in my life.

But I couldn't just throw them out, either. I was dangerously trapped between needing the uptight lawyer in my life and refusing to give in. Moving on seemed to be my only option now.

As if on cue, a knock on my door brought me back to reality. Standing, I made my way to the door, straightening my shirt. With a deep breath, I pulled the door open and smiled.

"Ready to go?" She asked excitedly, holding her hand out to me. Taking her hand, I let her excitement be enough for the both of us.

The club was crowded and I instantly felt the beat of the music coursing through my veins. My hips started to sway slightly as Becca and I made our way to the bar. We both ordered shots and drank them quickly.

"Come on, let's celebrate." Becca said, taking my hand and dragging me off to the dance floor.

My body was instantly pressed against hers and we swayed in time to the music. As much as my heart wanted me to push her away and run off to find Joanne, my body needed the contact and I pulled her closer.

Three drinks later, my tongue was in Becca's mouth and her hands were on my stomach and quickly climbing higher. I pulled away, but her hands stayed under my shirt.

"Do you want to go somewhere more private?" The question sounded so much like 'Your place or mine' that I almost laughed.

I didn't want to hook up with her. I didn't want a one night stand and I didn't want a relationship. I just wanted to go back in time, where I could be safe in Joanne's arms forever.

Looking into Becca's eyes, I nodded, not trusting my voice. I was sure that if I said anything, my shell would break open and I would be left standing there, exposed.

We left the club almost instantly, much to the disappointment to the rest of the cast and crew. "Miss Reena isn't feeling very well." Becca lied, one of her arms around my waist. I knew they didn't believe her. They had seen us dancing, they knew that we were leaving to do.

The cab ride was silent and when we reached her apartment, the sex was rushed. Laying there, with Becca's head on my chest, her hand on my hip, I wanted to cry.

Joanne would never take me back now. Nothing could ever be the same again. I dressed quickly, Becca asking me a thousand questions that all earned the same answer. "Because I don't love you." I answered, making my way to the bedroom door.

She fell back against the pillows and sighed, rolling her eyes. "Who said anything about love?" She huffed as I walked out.

I couldn't feel anything, anymore. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the fact that I knew that I would never be able to be with Joanne again. Either way, I didn't know that I had reached my building until I heard the cab driver start to bitch.

Tossing some money in the front seat I dragged myself out of the cab and made my way up the stairs to my apartment. Halfway there Mark, Roger, and Mimi came storming down the stairs.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I noticed the tears rolling down Mimi's cheeks. "Angel's in the hospital." Mark answered, meeting my eyes.

"What?" I asked, feeling tears welling up in my eyes. Taking a deep breath, Mimi nodded.

"Collins just called. Come on." She said, taking my hand. We all crammed into the back of a cab, Mimi on Roger's lap and Mark squished in the middle.

Nothing was going right anymore. I felt like I had broken everything when I lost Joanne. My entire world was spiraling into oblivion. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned, meeting Mark's eyes.

Tears filled my eyes and my chin began to tremble. I looked away, not wanting Mark to see me cry. I felt his arms wrap around me and I broke, collapsing against his chest, my body shaking with the force of my sobs.

Nothing was ever going to be the same again.


End file.
